Transcript: Crean's spill announcement 21 March

I think you've seen the frustration I've been expressing in recent times. It seems to me the party, through the government, is in a stalemate position. Something needs to be done to break this deadlock, to resolve the issue once and for all, and to enable us to get on with the job that we're actually elected to do, and that is to campaign on behalf of Australian people through Labor values.


I have talked to the Prime Minister yesterday and today, and as a result of that conversation I informed her that I would think about my position and get back to her before I made this announcement, that I am asking her to call a spill of all leadership positions in the party. I will not be standing for the leader. I will be putting myself forward in the leadership team for the deputy leader.

If the Prime Minister does not agree to it, which I expect she won't, then I urge members of caucus to petition in an appropriate way for the calling of such a meeting. This is an issue that has to be resolved. There is too much at stake. This is a very regretful decision for me.


I think everyone knows the relationship between the Prime Minister and myself goes back some time. This is not personal. This is about the party, its future, and the future of the country. I actually believe we can win the next election. I believe that the agenda that is there but not understood well enough as reflected in many of the comments that come back, we need to settle this, move forward.

As for the position of the positions being declared open, Kevin Rudd, in my view, has no alternative but to stand for the leadership. He can't continue to play the game that says he is reluctant or he has to be drafted. I know the party will not draft him.


I know the party is looking for change and clear air, and they don't see that simply by changing the leader. That's why I'm putting myself forward as part of the leadership group, to demonstrate that we are serious about not just changing leaders, but of actually showing leadership. That's what we're elected to do, that's what I want to be part of, and I think in all my life, public life, I've demonstrated that is the driving force.

For me, the position itself again is that a personal one that I'm taking. I'm doing this in the interests of the Labor Party and, in turn, the nation. I believe that the great things that I was part of in the Hawke-Keating government, that decisions, bold decisions, decisions that went through due process, difficult decisions, the decisions built around consensus, the decisions built around bringing people together, the decisions around growing the economy, as we have demonstrated in government we can do, growing it for a purpose, for fairness, for distribution, for the values that I, like so many others, joined the Labor Party for.


We can't win from the position we are in, in the polls. I don't believe our future and our chances in the polls is just going to be determined by a simple change of leader. People have got to believe we have conviction, that we believe in what we stand for, there is a coherence of message and we are determined to pursue it. What we have to do is to take people with us. That means being prepared to argue the case, and I know this: I know the people do not want an Abbott-led government.


I get so many people in frustration to me saying, "We are not going to allow that man to lead this country, are we?" Now, I agree with that from an obvious point of view, but the truth is there is a mood out there that does not want him; but is fed up with us at the moment. We've got to change it. I hope this circuit-breaker does it and I look forward to the caucus taking a mature decision in the interests of their future and this country's future.


Via: http://www.smh.com.au/opinion/political-news/simon-creans-opening-statement-to-the-media-20130321-2ghlv.html#ixzz2OEuVHNIC

Apple, Tarantino, Art and Life (and crickets)

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Watched Iconoclasts with Fiona Apple and Quentin Tarantino this week. I love how they talked about being artists and where inspiration comes from, a kind of 'God Antenna' (see above).

And I've just read in Katherine Mansfield's Letters:

November 1920

What you quote from Van Gogh is very fine.

["...Nevertheless I find in my work a certain reverberation of what fascinated me. I know that Nature told me something, that she spoke to me, and that I took down her message in shorthand. Perhaps my transcript contains words that are undecipherable; belike there are faults and omission in it too, - still it may possess something that the wood, the beach or the figures said."]

... Tchehov felt just like that.

...I don't believe there are any short cuts to Art. Victory is the reward of battle just exactly as it is in Life. And the more one knows of one's soldiers the better chance one has. That's not an absolutely true analogy tho'. The thing is more subtle.

But what I do believe with my whole soul is that one's outlook is the climate in which one's art either thrives or doesn't grow. I am dead certain that there is no separating Art and Life. And no artist can afford to leave out Life. If we mean to work we must go straight to Life for our nourishment. There's no substitute. But I am violent on this subjick. I must leave it.

I think with both art and life: neither can be pushed. And this is what Fiona and Quentin were discussing. If it's not all there and filling you up, then there's no use in trying to create something... from nothing. I believe also with life it's just cruel to yourself, and the natural state of things, to pressure yourself to do something when you don't feel called, compelled or inspired to do so. If it's a 'should do' then you most likely shouldn't. Or, as I've similarly heard: If in doubt... don't.

I typically have been a thinker, ruminator, cogitator, (agitator!)... i.e. worrier. Going through a list of shoulds in my head concerning the 'best' to do for the future. Of course the future doesn't exist. One only has 'now' and one ought to sense the now and how one is feeling now, because that is what will guide one in the 'future'. If you stick with that you can't go wrong.

So, this is the God Antenna of which the Apple and the Tarantino speak. You sense what's happening with you at each moment and when inspiration or interest comes, it comes. No use erecting voluminous satellite dishes just to find something. Stick with where you're at this moment and it will come to you.


*sits*



*crickets chirp*


so... *sits listening to crickets*


P.S. I meant to put this on my other blog, but seeing as I've put it here I'll leave it. I've been wanting to bring this blog back to its former eclecticness anyway. Also... can't think of anything else I'm interested in writing about at the moment. (at least these means I'm walking the walk, or the talk, or the blog, or whatever...!)

And in the news today...*

1.
An insane murderer is allowed to drive a taxi in Melbourne.

The Public Transport Minister, Lynne Kosky, says she can not guarantee a man who stabbed his wife to death can be prevented from driving taxis in Melbourne. The man was acquitted of murder on the grounds of insanity.

The Victorian Civil and Administrative Tribunal recently granted him a taxi licence against the advice of the Director of Public Transport.

Ms Kosky is vowing to change the law to prevent similar cases. "Now it will be mandatory refusal for anyone who has either a conviction, or if they're found not guilty by reason of insanity, so that will be now included in the legislation."

Gosh. Now isn't that a good idea.

But Ms Kosky says her options are limited in the current matter. "As a result of this decision we are fixing the legislation going forward," she said. "We will look at every avenue of appeal so that I can actually fix that difficulty, so that everybody can feel safe when they hop in a cab. That's what I want to be able to guarantee."

Yes. Please do 'fix that difficulty'.

(Note: On my list of things to do in the next couple of months is:
a) fly Qantas
b) ...to Melbourne)


2.
Now, staying in Victoria but leaving the shoddy decision-making skills of the The Victorian Civil and Administrative Tribunal for the abysmal decisions the Migration Review Tribunal, we find that the country doctor with the Down Syndrome son - who "is the only internal medicine specialist servicing 20,000 people in Horsham" and the community is desperate for him to stay and who pays for the extra costs of his son's care - is still going to be kicked out of Australia.

Dr Bernhard Moeller and his family have had their application for residency in Horsham refused because of the costs associated with the care of their son...

Onya Victoria. Your tribunals are doing just fantastic work.

(now it's up to Federal Minister Chris Evans to intervene.)


3.
Most surprising news is the opinion that something in the area of telecommunications will be ruined if Telstra DOES NOT participate.

(The Liberal Party is nuts.)


4.
Lastly, there's news of a US company: Puck Technology.

What do you think they do? Something in the area of R & D concerning hockey pucks? Plastic surgery perhaps? Maybe they develop and manufacture funny little complex digital thingamees that do stuff in other complex electrical thingamees...? Or... sell Whizzinators!

Ah, Whizzinators! you say. Yes. Surely they are some great new kitchen gadget! Perfect for a Christmas present! Or maybe some new high-tech machine I can use in the garden. Or... maybe it's

the Whizzinator penis - a lifelike device used to emit clean, realistically warm urine instead of the user's true urine.

Indeed! The perfect Christmas present for Ben Cousins. It comes with "its own heating and Yellow River urine packs". Although, the president and vice-president of Puck Technology - Gerald and Robert - have just experienced some difficulties of their own.

Two men who sold prosthetic penises enabling drug cheats to give fake urine samples have pleaded guilty to conspiracy in the United States, the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette reported.

Puck Technology has stopped operating, the report said.

The thing is (no, not that thing, this thing; don't get distracted), I don't really understand why they were charged with conspiracy. Surely they didn't claim the penises were real...

(Maybe they'll see this as an opportunity to enter the market for jumbo-sized models for men aiming to impress at the urinals. Um. It's perhaps a somewhat small market...)


* I suppose this post heading could have read 'And in the news today... a bunch of dicks.'

Hierocles & Philagrius walk into a bar...

Just when Lad Litter was wondering who to turn to for Obama humour - surely quite a dearth of material after the overwhelming, generosity of Bush (see last post) - it looks as though we just need to look a lot further... back:

Ancient Greeks pre-empted Dead Parrot sketch

"I'll tell you what's wrong with it. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it."

For those who believe the ancient Greeks thought of everything first, proof has been found in a 4th century AD joke book featuring an ancestor of Monty Python's Dead Parrot sketch where a man returns a parrot to a shop, complaining it is dead.

The 1,600-year-old work entitled "Philogelos: The Laugh Addict," one of the world's oldest joke books, features a joke in which a man complains that a slave he has just bought has died, its publisher said Friday.

"By the gods," answers the slave's seller, "when he was with me, he never did any such thing!"

In a British comedy act Monty Python's Flying Circus sketch, first aired in 1969 and regularly voted one of the funniest ever, the pet-shop owner says the parrot, a "Norwegian Blue," is not dead, just "resting" or "pining for the fjords."

The English-language book will appeal to those who swear that the old jokes are the best ones. Many of its 265 gags will seem strikingly familiar, suggesting that sex, dimwits, nagging wives and flatulence have raised laughs for centuries.


In many of the jokes, a slow-witted figure known as the "student dunce" is the butt of the jokes. In one, the student dunce goes to the city and a friend asks him to buy two 15-year-old slaves: No problem,' responds the dunce. If I don't find two 15-year-olds, I'll get one 30-year-old.'

In another, someone asks to borrow the student's cloak to go down to the country. "I have a cloak to go down to your ankle, but I don't have one that reaches to the country," he replies.

The manuscript is attributed to a pair of ancient comedians called Hierocles and Philagrius. Little is known about them except that they were most likely the compilers of the jokes, not the original writers.

Philagrius: So, there's this woman out hunting moose...

Hierocles: Hunting what?

Philagrius: Look, doesn't matter, she's cute.

Hierocles: Oh, ok. Continue.

Philagrius: So she's out with her gun...

Hierocles: Her what?!

Philagrius: Just go with me on this, Hiero. She's got her really big gun out, and from behind a tree steps a former President's intern, and she says, you think that's a big...

Hierocles: Oh, this is the cigar joke again isn't it. *sighs* I wish you'd get some new material Phil.

Yes he can... He did... He has... And, hopefully, he will!

Wow. What a day. We've witnessed history... and I can't believe how moved I have been by Barack Obama's election. I wept! It truly feels a momentous occasion in the world's history - and I'm really shocked that I'm finding it to be so dramatic.

It does feel as though change such as the Kennedy's' brought has returned - or, as my mum said, actually a lot bigger (she was in the US in the 60's, and we also lived there when I was a kid).

I found much of his acceptance speech truly moving. A couple of excerpts:

...The road ahead will be long. Our climb will be steep. We may not get there in one year or even one term, but America – I have never been more hopeful than I am tonight that we will get there. I promise you – we as a people will get there.

There will be setbacks and false starts. There are many who won’t agree with every decision or policy I make as President, and we know that government can’t solve every problem. But I will always be honest with you about the challenges we face. I will listen to you, especially when we disagree. And above all, I will ask you join in the work of remaking this nation the only way it’s been done in America for two-hundred and twenty-one years – block by block, brick by brick, calloused hand by calloused hand.

What began twenty-one months ago in the depths of winter must not end on this autumn night. This victory alone is not the change we seek – it is only the chance for us to make that change. And that cannot happen if we go back to the way things were. It cannot happen without you.

So let us summon a new spirit of patriotism; of service and responsibility where each of us resolves to pitch in and work harder and look after not only ourselves, but each other. ...

And to all those watching tonight from beyond our shores... our stories are singular, but our destiny is shared, and a new dawn of American leadership is at hand. To those who would tear this world down – we will defeat you. To those who seek peace and security – we support you. And to all those who have wondered if America’s beacon still burns as bright – tonight we proved once more that the true strength of our nation comes not from ... the enduring power of our ideals: democracy, liberty, opportunity, and unyielding hope.

And Obama also mentioned a woman 106 years old who'd voted today. What was so moving here was how the crowd, hundreds of thousands of them, responded with great cries of 'Yes we can!'.

She was born just a generation past slavery; a time when there were no cars on the road or planes in the sky; when someone like her couldn’t vote for two reasons – because she was a woman and because of the colour of her skin.

And tonight, I think about all that she’s seen throughout her century in America – the heartache and the hope; the struggle and the progress; the times we were told that we can’t, and the people who pressed on with that American creed: Yes we can.

At a time when women’s voices were silenced and their hopes dismissed, she lived to see them stand up and speak out and reach for the ballot. Yes we can.

When there was despair in the dust bowl and depression across the land, she saw a nation conquer fear itself with a New Deal, new jobs and a new sense of common purpose. Yes we can.

When the bombs fell on our harbour and tyranny threatened the world, she was there to witness a generation rise to greatness and a democracy was saved. Yes we can.

She was there for the buses in Montgomery, the hoses in Birmingham, a bridge in Selma, and a preacher from Atlanta who told a people that “We Shall Overcome.” Yes we can.

A man touched down on the moon, a wall came down in Berlin, a world was connected by our own science and imagination. And this year, in this election, she touched her finger to a screen, and cast her vote, because after 106 years in America, through the best of times and the darkest of hours, she knows how America can change. Yes we can.

America, we have come so far. We have seen so much. But there is so much more to do. ...

This is our chance to answer that call. This is our moment. This is our time... out of many, we are one; that while we breathe, we hope, and where we are met with cynicism, and doubt, and those who tell us that we can’t, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of a people:

Yes We Can.

Well, indeed he can. What a speech!

This is an amazing day, and Obama appears to be an amazing man. Let's hope this is indeed the case and he can turn things around for the US and therefore for much of the world. He has a pretty big workload ahead of him! He has to dig the US out of a major hole.
But now, to see an African-American man and his family up on that stage - a black President and First Lady - to see them in that position... to have this actually, finally happen... makes it seem as though much is possible, so hopefully it will continue and that Yes He Can.


(And thanks Penni for the link to some of these photos.)

Gotta have something Supernatural for Halloween...

Jensen Ackles
&
Eye of the Tiger*

* 'twas a prank - they didn't give him the cue to stop at the initial drum solo, so he just went along with it and kept going...!

Looking to get away from it all? Some advice from Buzz:

Send astronauts to Mars permanently: Aldrin


Buzz Aldrin reckons there's no point in just visiting Mars as the year and a half journey there and home is just such a long time they might as well live there permanently (with some company). Or they could think of coming back at age 65... for retirement on Earth I guess. (Hey, at least we should have moved on from the financial crisis by then! And on to another one...)

The first astronauts sent to Mars should be prepared to spend the rest of their lives there, in the same way that European pioneers headed to America knowing they would not return home, says moonwalker Buzz Aldrin.

[He] said the Red Planet offered far greater potential than Earth's satellite as a place for habitation.

With what appears to be vast reserves of frozen water, Mars "is nearer terrestrial conditions, much better than the Moon and any other place," Mr Aldrin, 78, said in a visit to Paris.

The distance between the Red Planet and Earth varies between 55 million kilometres and more than 400 million kilometres. ...this means a round trip to Mars would take around a year and a half.

"That's why you [should] send people there permanently," Mr Aldrin said.

"If we are not willing to do that, then I don't think we should just go once and have the expense of doing that and then stop."

He asked "If we are going to put a few people down there and ensure their appropriate safety, would you then go through all that trouble and then bring them back immediately, after a year, a year-and-a-half?"

NASA and the European Space Agency (ESA) are sketching tentative
plans for a manned mission to Mars that would take place around 2030 or
2040. ...the mission would entail about half a dozen people, with life-support
systems and other gear pre-positioned for them on the Martian surface.

Mr Aldrin said the vanguard could be joined by others, making a colony of around 30 people.

"They need to go there more with the psychology of knowing that you
are a pioneering settler and you don't look forward to go back home
again after a couple of years," he said.

"At age 30, they are given an opportunity. If they accept, then we
train them, at age 35, we send them. At age 65, who knows what advances
have taken place. They can retire there, or maybe we can bring them
back."

Many scientists argue that sending humans to Mars is a waste of money compared with unmanned missions that deliver more science and point out the risks from psychological stress and damage to DNA from fast-moving sub-atomic particles called cosmic rays.

Mr Aldrin, though, argued that given the time lag in communications between Earth and Mars, it made sense to have human explorers who could make decisions swiftly and on the spot.

Indeed:

'So mate, whadaya reckon? Bout time for a beer?'

Feeling Newsy! (yes, there's news other than the financial crisis - which I won't mention... promise.)

Just reading some news today.

It's variously...

Good:
The army chief is sticking to his decision to axe the Royal Australian bagpipe band. Hooray! Finally they're seeing some sense that the sound of (handsomely-skirted) men squeezing and torturing kittens in bags just to hear them squeal is not a good idea (except in a serious skirmish). Perhaps that is why they are taking these *ahem* musicians and turning them back into (much needed) soldiers.

News that's less good:
"Lt-Gen Gillespie said he had instructed the army director of music to maintain a pipe capability for ceremonial occasions when bagpipes were needed." NEEDED!!!? And that this "would be done through reserve pipers..." Ah, so close...


Good-ish (for some):
NSW politicians are continuing to provide the nation with amusements as their Nationals party leader said something about a Liberal MP: "If I had my way, I'd march him out at dawn, put a blindfold on him and shoot him."

Quite succinct and clear really. I don't quite see the problem.

Although he's apologised, the mamby-pamby MP refuses to accept the apology as he is still enjoying sulking. He said "the comments represented a threat to himself, promoted violence and were offensive to the victims of gun crimes." Ah, nothing like pollies for some neat hyperbole.
(Approaching it with humour would be much more charming... although pouts do suit some people.)


Seriously good:

"Australia has expanded financial sanctions against Burma, targeting more of the nation's top officials, ministers and military leaders."

Less good:
McCain and Palin (who only took on the task of VP nominee because the Republican party was more than happy to spend $225,000 on her wardrobe) have some fodder to attack with by taking one of Joe Biden's remarks out of context. He said basically the new president will be tested by an international crisis (yup, I'd say one or two are happening already). So the Republican argument is that McCain has been tested already.

Yes. And found wanting.


Good news:
Obama is 10 points ahead of McCain. And only 2 weeks to go! And this on top of (and likely due to) the wonderful news of Republican Colin Powell supporting him (boy, did that make my day)!

Also noice:

Mr. Obama’s favorability is the highest for a presidential candidate running for a first term in the last 28 years of Times/CBS polls. Mrs. Palin’s negative rating is the highest for a vice-presidential candidate as measured by The Times and CBS News. Even Dan Quayle, with whom Mrs. Palin is often compared because of her age and inexperience on the national scene, was not viewed as negatively in the 1988 campaign.

But sadly of course, his grandma ain't doin' so good, so he's going to go see her for a couple of days. Tragically he never got to his mother's death bed in time when she died, so he's obviously not wanting this to happen again.
If one can find anything good from this it will be that voters may have some empathy for him, think he's a nice grandson and also be reminded that half his heritage is white ('Lookit dat Billy-Bob!! He gots a white gran'ma like me!!! Hey. Maybe he ain't so black afta all!')


Strange news:
French Prez Sarkozy (I love saying 'Sarkozy'... don't know why; especially in the French manner, Sar-ko-ZEE!) is threatening to sue a company making voodoo dolls. I think the one offending him is the Sarkozy doll actually.

It has quotes of his over it and instructs the owner to insert pin 'here', eg: "Get lost you pathetic arsehole." (I hope that's actually in French: Obtenez-perdu vous abruti pathétique!)

He's not annoyed about the pins and sudden pains about his person so much as his exclusive rights to his image... and copyrighted insults.


And, again, Good: A new vet hospital in the US is helping wounded military vets.
In case that's confusing I'll be clear: a $15 million animal hospital has been opened at "Lackland Air Force Base, offering a long overdue facility that gives advanced medical treatment for combat-wounded dogs."
Maybe less than 'good' news really as the article points out that about 2500 dogs work with military units - finding explosive devices, drugs (for their handler's r&r) and land mines. Poor puppies! And do they get paid??

Dogs injured in Iraq or Afghanistan get emergency medical treatment on the battlefield and are flown to Germany for care. If necessary, they'll fly on to San Antonio for more advanced treatment -- much like wounded human personnel.

The hospital includes "CT scanning equipment, an intensive care unit and rehab rooms with an underwater treadmill and exercise balls" (the trainer's apparently). Plus, a "behavioral specialist has an office near the lobby." (I'm hoping there's some Schmackos in there.)


But also 'good' news because I get to use this photo again:

'Man, this better earn me some Schmackos...'

It's just a flesh wound!!!!!!!!!

Well, thank goodness I began my new routine of regularly meditating before all the kerfuffle of this global financial crisis and ere I had to listen overly much to the cheesy drivel of a persistently winking Sarah Palin. Urgh. And then I also had to focus on my breathing and tend to the stress of my emotions when McCain was prowling around in the last debate, acting for all intents like a used car salesman (as my mum rightly noted... and in the harsh tones of one who has no regular meditation routine).

Terrible (and under-reported) findings of the CCC (re Mallard and WA police), prison riots and even perhaps the fear of flying Qantas lately, fade into the background when our market and dollar are dipping into the plunge pool, Iceland (which may possibly be sued the by UK) is drowning alongside other uncertain doggy-paddling nations, and economists are as confused as the actual workings of the financial markets.

*Ohmmmm* At least I don't live in the US... *Ohmmmm* ...with a mortgage, potential job(s) loss and no real health care... *Ohmmmm* ...with a current national public debt of $10,245,247,740,307.58

Today I read (on a US site)-

The U.S. Government now borrows nearly $10 million every minute. This is precisely why our national debt crossed the $10 trillion threshold for the first time. The famous “National Debt Clock” in Times Square has run out of digits forcing the operator, the Durst Organization, to remove the dollar sign and replace it with the number “1.” The Durst Organization is now refurbishing the clock to allow up to one quadrillion dollars...

It may, however, be of some benefit that few in the US would even know what a quadrillion is.

(It's a thousand trillion. Comforting to know a debt of 100 times the current one is being prepared for...)


*Ohmmmmmmmmm*

stop laughing! i'm serious!

Unfortunately, the (potentially) spectacular Hadron Collider - which aims to discover extra dimensions and dark matter* - has broken a bit.
Initially scientists didn't think the problem was that major, but they've now realised it will take a lot longer to fix as there has been a leak of helium and as a result no one is taking their commands seriously due to their preternaturally squeaky high voices.




* Just look in my head...

Q & A mosaic

.

(click for bigger image)

Have been immersing myself in a lazy Sunday today. The only active thing I've done is hack at the bougainvillea, and the intertwined and rampant passionfruit vine which is eternally attempting to choke it. I won btw. My aim was also to warm myself up, which I achieved nicely... for a while. Very sunny lately at least.

So, being a lazy day, I thought it was an opportune moment to have a go at a flickr-mosaic meme that's been going around the blogosphere.

It goes like this:

• Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr Search.
• Using only the first page of results, pick one image.
• Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into Big Huge Lab’s Mosaic Maker to create a mosaic of the picture answers.

And the questions are these:

1. What is your first name?

2. What is your favorite food right now?

3. What high school did you go to?

4. What is your favorite color?

5. Who is your celebrity crush?

6. What is your favourite drink?

7. What is your dream vacation?

8. What is your favourite dessert?

9. What do you want to be when you grow up?

10. What do you love most in life?

11. What is one word that describes you?

12. What is your flickr name?

They're answered in rows, left to right.

I'm quite happy with how it turned out actually - it will do well as my new desktop image (although it could be quite dangerous as it will surely encourage me to up my indulgence in sweet treats - how good does that mud pie look!!!).


Update: Thanks to kiki's encouragement, I shall annoy, I mean, tag people to do the meme. I hereby tag kiki, kath, mai, ariel and homo j. Enjoy or ignore as you wish!

My imagined Clarke & Dawe interview of Rudd

(this is merely from my imagination - I hope they're not insulted!) a John Clarke & Bryan Dawe-type version of earlier post re Kev's visit to Japan:











Mr Rudd, thanks for your time. How are you enjoying Japan?

Oh, well, it's quite nice of course. Maybe not as nice as China, but quite nice.

And how did your meeting with the Prime Minister, Yasao Fukuda go?

Oh, pretty well Bryan, pretty well.

We all know that you're fluent in Mandarin Mr Rudd, but do you speak much Japanese?

Yes... a little...

What can you say in Japanese?

I know how to say, "My name is Kevin, I'm from Australia, thank you very much."

Oh yes, and what else?

Well, that's it really.

Oh.

Yes. But I say it every chance I get Bryan. Oh, and Konnichiwa, I know that one.

Yes.

You mean 'hai' Bryan. See. Know that one too!

Hai. Yes. And your meeting went well?

Yes, I mean hai Bryan. I knew the poor guy's ratings were pretty low. You know, they're below 20 per cent, and everyone's giving him a hard time with a censure and all. So I thought I'd tell him a little bit about Brendan Nelson...

And how did that go?

That cheered him up no end Bryan!

Well that's good. So you got along well then? Even after all the tensions about your trip to China? And the whaling...?

Well, yes and no Bryan. I also said to him he can call me Kevin, you know, everyone calls me Kevin.

Yes, we know.

But then I thought I'd cheer the poor bloke up a bit further and say he can call me The Ruddster if he likes.

The Ruddster?

Yes, I mean, hai... You see, we have a little group where we like to call each other... well, you know. There's The Swanster and The Gillster - I sometimes like to call her The Gillmeister - and The Tannster...

I get the picture.

Yes, hai... So I told him he could be part of the group too!

The Fukster...?

Hai.

Oh dear...

Hai, I must say, it went a bit downhill from there Bryan.

I can imagine. So did you talk to him about the whaling?

Well yes Bryan. But, I was very diplomatic about it.

What did you say?

I said we'd better find a way to be diplomatic about it and once we find a way we'll do something about the whaling.

Diplomatically?

Yes. It's only polite Bryan.

And what did he say?

Well, he pointed out that our Defence Department killed 514 kangaroos recently. Our national emblem he said.

And what did you say?

I diplomatically pointed out to him that he was wrong Bryan!

Wrong...?

Yes. Hai! I told him that the kangaroo isn't our official emblem, not officially Bryan. And anyway, that's the Red kangaroo on our Coat of Arms and these were Grey kangaroos... Plus, I rather diplomatically explained to him that whales weren't swarming all over his old military bases and endangering grassland...!

Well no. They're whales.

Exactly Bryan. I think he got my point.

And what about your visit to China?

Oh, it was great Bryan!

No. I mean, how did you smooth things over there with Mr Fukuda?

Well. I told him I'd taken the same length of time, six months, that Howard did to visit. I told him seven Australian ministers have already visited Japan this year. I told him that I couldn't think of any other country, in fact, that had had such high-level ministerial visits! And I said, "How many Japanese government ministers have been able to visit Australia in the same time?" Hey? I don't think any.

So you handled that diplomatically too...

Of course Bryan. We don't want to upset them any further. I was going to add, "So nyahh!" But I think he got my point...

So apart from that, things went well?

Sort of Bryan. I mean. I did feel the need to bring up how some people in Victoria are none too happy about a Japanese company buying that wind farm thing in Tarwin Lower... And that didn't go down too well...

Oh.

You see, he thought it was Taiwan Lower. That he'd gotten one over on the Chinese!

Oh dear.

Hai. Indeed Bryan. He was very disappointed.

Hai... Were there any issues on which you did get along well?

Well, yes Bryan. We talked about the Toyota deal with the hybrid cars, and his plan to cut emissions and create some experimental carbon market thingamee. And we talked about my plan to save the planet with a Nuclear Non-Proliferations and Disarmament Commission, and I said I'd let him co-chair. You know the thing. The one to be headed by Biggles...

Yes, Biggles... Did you warn him about flying ashtrays?

Of course Bryan. Diplomatically...

And was he impressed with your ideas?

Oh, I think so Bryan. In fact. I gave him some advice, you know, to help him with his ratings and all. I told him...

To... deal with things diplomatically...?

Well, no...

To improve your education and health care systems? Get things right at home before you go out saving the world?

No Bryan...

I know! To do things in 'due season'?

No Bryan. But that's a good point. No. I told him that he ought to make a lot of spur of the moment announcements. You know. Get everyone's attention in some positive way. And the bigger the better!

But, only after he's thoroughly organised it and thought it through of course. You know, told the people involved what they'll be doing.

Hai... something like that Bryan. You know. A couple of hours' notice is always a good idea.
*laughs* You don't want people to think you're loopy or something! You know, for example, the hybrid car deal with Toyota. It was organised years ago that they'd be building these cars for us in Australia!

But, the head of Toyota did seem quite surprised about the $70 million dollars you offered. Tax payers' money...

Hai. They're not quite sure what to do with it actually...

So why did you offer it to them? Do you think you overdid it a bit?

No, no. Not at all Bryan! As I said to The Fuku... to Mr Fukuda. Big announcements. That's what you want. Then you'll be right mate!

I'm sure he was most appreciative. And where are you off to next Mr Rudd?

Jakarta. I'll be there this evening.

So, relations with Indonesia will need some of your diplomatic touch too?

I suppose so Bryan... But of course it's really about the big announcement I'll be making.

Oh, another one? What will it be about this time?

It's really a bit soon to be asking Bryan! I've got hours yet!




For the real (and superior!) thing, go here, or here.



Update 13/6: This is what they did last night.

Jeepers Creepers

Anyone figured this one out yet?

Fourth severed foot washes up on Canadian coast


Another severed human foot has been discovered washed ashore on Canada's Pacific coast, but police are no closer to solving the gruesome mystery.

The foot, still wearing a shoe, was discovered on a small uninhabited island south of Vancouver in the Strait of Georgia.

It was the fourth right foot discovered in the region in the past 10 months.

The previous cases all involved right feet still in sneakers, and each was found on a different island.

DNA testing has failed to link the earlier discoveries to any missing person cases.

I was going to say it's really got me stumped...



...but I won't.





Could it be some tribal island cannibals are on the Right Foot Free Diet?


And, when someone now says they have two left feet... are they suddenly a suspect?


I have so many questions!!!!


(Of course I know this is quite serious - but it's just so bizarre!)

Willy. Stolen. Reward given!!!

And the excuse used to be, 'Sorry honey, I've just had a little too much to drink'!

Police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men's penises after a wave of panic and attempted lynchings triggered by the alleged witchcraft.

Reports of so-called penis snatching are not uncommon in West Africa, where belief in traditional religions and witchcraft remains widespread...

Rumors of penis theft began circulating last week... They quickly dominated radio call-in shows, with listeners advised to beware of fellow passengers in communal taxis wearing gold rings.

'Rumours of penis theft...'.

Beware of men with gold rings!

(Love it!)

Purported victims claimed that sorcerers simply touched them to make their genitals shrink or disappear,

[not a skill I would be bragging about...]

in what some residents said was an attempt to extort cash with the promise of a cure.

"It's real. Just yesterday here, there was a man who was a victim. We saw. What was left was tiny," said 29-year-old Alain Kalala, who sells phone credits near a Kinshasa police station.

Jeez. You'd think one salesman could recognise another.



Unfortunately, people being accused of this kind of witchcraft (hide your wedding band people!) are being beaten. There've even been 'attempted lynchings'.

Police arrested the accused sorcerers and their victims in an effort to avoid the sort of bloodshed seen in Ghana a decade ago, when 12 suspected penis snatchers were beaten to death by angry mobs.

"I'm tempted to say it's one huge joke," police chief Oleko said.

"But when you try to tell the victims that their penises are still there, they tell you that it's become tiny or that they've become impotent. To that I tell them, 'How do you know if you haven't gone home and tried it?'," he said.

Hmm. Good point. (I think...)

Apparently she 'misspoke'

Whoops:

Clinton had last week told of coming under sniper fire when she arrived at Bosnia's Tuzla airbase in March 1996.

"I remember landing under sniper fire. There was supposed to be some kind of a greeting ceremony at the airport, but instead we just ran with our heads down to get into the vehicles to get to our base," Clinton had recounted.

But reporters who accompanied her on the 1996 trip have since produced TV footage that shows nothing of the sort, as Clinton, accompanied by her daughter Chelsea, greeted wellwishers on their arrival and paused to chat.

Reruns of TV reports from the time showed Clinton being welcomed by smiling officials on the tarmac at Tuzla, and listening as an eight-year-old Bosnian girl read out a poem.

Hey, poetry recitations have me running for cover too.


Eeeeek!

Easter reflections

Today is Good Friday, and the weather is fine - the brightest blue sky you've ever seen - and I can't recall where I was when I heard my grandmother had been taken to hospital.

She was a devout Catholic, but had a wicked sense of humour. Fittingly, she felt ill when at church watching The Stations of the Cross which was always performed by students of my former primary school. I say 'fittingly' not because one always feels unwell at church, and especially so if having to sit through students clumsily reenacting Christ's crucifixion whilst a giant (probably plaster or plastic) and pained looking Jesus views from the wall above, but because she suffered on the same day as the Lord.

She was in a coma in intensive care on the Friday and Saturday, and the day the Lord rose to heaven so did she.

I was 15 at the time and have memories of the hospital, and the waiting room, and fellow family members, and myself, very upset... but I can't remember where I was when I heard that she was in hospital. A couple of years earlier and I likely would have been at church with her.

I can remember where I was when I heard Princess Diana died. I can remember where I was when, watching live, planes flew into the Twin Towers. I can remember where I was when the Boxing Day tsunami happened. But I can't remember where I was when I heard that my beloved, healthy, vibrant, and strong grandmother was in intensive care.

Perhaps some things are just too close to home to remember, to want to remember.

Anyway, although I can recall the date she died, it is always at Easter that I remember her even more than usual. She figured that one out pretty well. No forgetting Easter.

Of course she was not forgettable. Not at all. My life would have been hugely lacking if it weren't for her. At least I remember that.

Not to put too fine a point on it... and perhaps no point at all...

You may have thought by my recent and thorough blog absence that this year, being a leap year and all, I was going to leap my way over February altogether and not return until March. But you are quite mistaken (obviously!) as I have now returned to opine upon the limitations and inclinations of beliefs.

Yes, you heard rightly. Phil-oss-o-fee.

*clears throat in a ladylike manner*


Everybody believes in something and everybody, by virtue of the fact that they believe in something, use that something to support their own existence.
- Frank Zappa

The wise Mr Zappa is quite correct. I have been pondering such things myself lately and have realised that absolutely everything we humans believe in - including what we choose not to believe in - is a mere choice, you know, nothing can be proven and all that. (ie. Reality is in the eye of the beholder... Oooh...)

Some of you may find such an understanding of reality heartening as you appreciate the absolute freedom this gives a person. Others may take a more pessimistic approach and sigh in longing for answers which, it seems, you can only make up for yourself. Oh why cannot some worldly or (even more wonderfully) unworldly soul come along and show one the way; explain what's black and what's white! *holding back of hand to pale forehead as one beseeches the night sky above* I mean, everything is just a choice to believe or not believe? How heartbreakingly grey! And how can anything have any meaning at all if that is the case!??

Well, continuing in such thinking will only create a well worn path from your pacing treads upon the carpet and the only thing you will catch is likely your own tail (or, more aptly, 'tale') so don't get one's self in knots but instead distract yourself and feel some sympathy for those living in the time of Oscar Wilde...

It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information.
- Oscar Wilde

...as they obviously did not have the internet.



Mr Wilde also believed "only the shallow know themselves." This makes a lot of sense considering the philosophical ponderings above... (she says out of the corner of her mouth as she is busy chewing her own tail).


The wonderful lass Mr George Eliot opined that "We are all apt to believe what the world believes about us." True, true. And also sheds extra light on how the shallow know themselves so well.


Sir Francis Bacon: "If a man will begin with certainties, he shall end in doubts; but if he will be content to begin with doubts he shall end in certainties."
Well... I suppose from my latest ponderings I am certain that everything I think I know or believe is purely my choice, and same goes for everyone else... But then, that's just what I choose to believe, I suppose... so, how certain am I?

Oh. He said "a man"! Well, there you go...



Ah, hell to it all. Let us instead reveal and revel in the wisdom of Lily Tomlin: "Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs."


Obviously the trick is to be shallow and eternally inebriated.



*hic*

Top up my vodka will you George darling...

Sorry, Mary Anne then...

Er, aren't you dead dear?

Hmm, I could take your lack of response as affirmation... as inebriation... but... as I belieeeve you're here......

News & nonsense

Is it just me or is the news extra depressing lately? I find I cannot sit through it in recent days; I have to turn it off before I fall to the floor in a foetal ball of soggy sobbing (not always the best of looks).

Neither is this predicament greatly assisted by the tail end - the pointy end? - of the election campaign. I believe 'repetition' may now be more accurately defined as 'brain washing'. How dumb do these pollies think we are? And how dumb does Howard look repeating the same answers to every question? Blah blah interest rates? Not my fault but I can still control them best. (wtf?) Don't forget I'm the best one to steer the economy. Blah blah cost of living? I'm the best one to steer the economy. Blah blah AWAs? I'm the best one to steer the economy. Blah blah your favourite colour? I'm the best to steer the economy.

And they thought Reagan was a robot...


Driving me nuts.


[Smooth segue follows.]


What I'm also thinking is nuts lately, to get away from the dreary news, is past relationships.

Leaving sex aside, what my ex-husband (Hex for short - a particularly apt sobriquet considering his predisposition for presenting a phony persona and his overall commitment to manipulation) and my more Recent ex (Rex for short - no, this doesn't suit him at all) miss the most about me is: my scintillating conversation.

This makes sense re Hex, as he and I were actually able to partake of reasonably interesting tete-a-tetes. Although, he never liked to really debate anything too much (whereas I can do this endlessly) he did at least converse.

Whereas Rex showed great disinterest, even disdain, for most things I tend to discourse upon. This didn't just include personal stuff or speaking of my family and friends, but also anything metaphysical, analytical, profound or even observatory.
Yet, when I spoke to him last night he confessed that my prattling on about such things was what he really missed.
I replied, 'But you always told me to shut up!'
'Yeah, but now I miss it.'
'?!'


He's trying to tell me that he's changed and learnt. Makes it sound like now he would be interested to hear my thoughts and ideas. Yeah right. Twice now we've had a go at a relationship, and after both he's repeatedly said that he kicks himself every day, really regrets that he didn't do better, didn't appreciate me enough. I gave him another chance last time after he'd said all that, but he still messed up. So I'm clear, very clear, that there's no way he's getting another chance. Friends only from now on.

Plus, the guy I mentioned that I have a wee crush on - who I'm sensibly aware is still likely not up to my newly rather high (or at least 'higher') standards - when, rather innocently and allegedly, sharing his opinion of me said I am interesting to talk to. Must be true eh? Mind you, at least this guy has the sense to realise this without having had a relationship with me - especially one in which he has actually complained of my speaking (re Rex: really, it's just ridiculous*).




* surely my alliteration of the week.

Panties for Peace game!

Remember the Panties for Peace thing? Well Mai has directed me to this game in which you throw panties at Burma's rotten, hideous, crooked, evil junta leader General Than Shwe.

About:

Brutal Burmese Dictators believe contact with women's underwear will sap their powers. Hope they're right? READY...AIM...VOTE!

In support of a recently launched global campaign calling on people to 'fling' women's panties at Burmese embassies around the world, we crafted a 'voting game' where everyone can express their opinion.

Directions:

Use your mouse to shoot a colourful assortment of underwear at the unsuspecting junta leader General Than Shwe. We're keeping track of all the throws and hits of everyone who plays - so pitch as many panties as you desire, in fact, the more the better!

It's quite funny to listen to him squeal in horror at you pelt him in the head with a plethora of knickers.

Could this have some benefit psychically at least? He's pretty superstitious so here's hoping, fingers crossed, touch wood, throw salt over your shoulder, don't walk under a ladder, etc.


Next I want a game, or maybe a reality tv show challenge, where competitors see who is first to take the junta's power away, their money away and then lock them up! Winner keeps 10% of the loot, giving the rest to the people of Burma. Hurray!!


Cartoon from The Irrawaddy.

Oh PLEASE, let me send you my MONEY!

Mai has encouraged me to share more of my delusions. But, as I'm preferring to go along with them as reality right now *la la la la laaaa happy thoughts happy thoughts* I think I'll dwell on other people's delusions instead.

Like thinking it's a good idea to send one's credit card to someone in the mail...

When setting up my car insurance for direct debit recently I read the following on the form:

"Do not send your credit card as your signature is sufficient to allow us to debit your account."


...?

What the...?

Who would...??



Mayhap people who do such things (apart from people who are some way cognitively impaired of course) are the same people who fall for scams.

I've received some email scams lately. I can pick them by the subject alone. Today's was "KIND ASSISTANCE"

In case you're interested in reading it (with best bits in bold for skimming):


Dearest one, [AWWW]

I am writing to you in a most desparate and pitiable situation in which I find myself. And is my pleasure to write you after much consideration, since I can not be able to see you face to face at first, please I need your kind Assistance. I am Raymund Okoba Ibrahima, the only Son of late Chief Johnson Okoba Ibrahima Nationality Liberia, I am Residing in Cote d’Ivoire due to my father's Nature of business

My father was a liability Cocoa and Gold merchant here in Cote d’Ivoire before his untimely death. After his business trip to Tunisia, to negotiate on a cocoa and gold business he wanted to invest in Tunisia, a week after he came back from Tunisia, he had an accident with my mother of which my mother died instantly but my father died seven days after in a Private Hospital. [note: private hospital, ie. we really have money; also, it's a nice detail that and the 7 day thing. Cle-verrr.] On that fateful afternoon, I didn't know that my father was going to leave me after I had earlier lost my mother, *sniff* but before he gave up to ghost, it was as if he knew he was going to die.

He My father, (OF BLESSED MEMORY) *sob* called me to his bed side and told me that he deposited the sum of ($7.7m)Seven Million Seven hundred Thousand US Dollars in a bank here in Cote D' Ivoire.That the money was meant for his cocoa and Gold business he wanted to establish in Tunisia, according to my father he deposited the money in a Fixed/Suspense account using my name as the next of kin,
He instructed me to seek for a Reliable, God fearing and Trustworthy business partner for my life time investment. Now I have succeeded in locating the deposit documents and the bank where this money is been deposited. Due to my inexperience in business here in Cote d'Ivoire, I am now seeking for your assistance to help me transfer this money from my country to your account so that we should invest it in any meaningful and lucrative business in your country in which you will suggest because this is my only hope in life.
I am willing to offer you 20% of the total fund if only you can help me out of my present predicament.

DEAR ONE I SEEK YOUR KIND ASSISTANCE IN THE FOLLOWING WAYS RESPECTFULLY;

(1.) Provision of a bank account where this money can be transferred into.
(2.) To make arrangements for me to come over to your country after the successful transferring of this money into your account and to come and further my Education.
(3.) To help me invest this money in a profitable business, since I do not know much about business.
(4) To sponsor me transfer this money into your account [UH HUH]
(5). I want you to promise me that you are not going to betray me after the money gets into your account.

The worst part of it is that my uncle is planning evil against me over this money because i refused to hand him over the documents covering this money, He has sold all my father's landed properties including his cars which Rightful belong to me and now he wanted me to hand him over the banking documents of my father in my possession which i refused. Now he said that he will have this money by all means even if it means killing me, [OMG!!! OH NO! EEEK! etc.] so because of this I ran away from home and hide in a Guest House, pending when this money will be transferred so that i can leave the country for my safety.

Please i am looking forward to hear from you, Thank You and God bless.

YOUR'S SINCERELY,
RAYMUND IBRAHIMA
+22502357384

Yeesh.



Another one's subject was: THANK GOD I FIND YOU, PLEASE HELP ASSIST MY FAMILY AND I

Really, their continued insistence upon CAPS is a dead giveaway.

And, oh gosh, another wealthy dead father:

Before the death of my Father, he made deposit with a security company, in SOUTH AFRICA.
The consignment was cleared to contain GEM STONES shipped on diplomatic cover to avoid customs detecting the actual contents.
The actual content is the sum Of US15.5 million (Fifteen million, Five Hundred thousand United States dollars only).

[Then goes on to use the atrocities inflicted by the rotten Mugabe as a 'convincing' background story.]

... This land problem came when Zimbabwean President Mr.Robert Mugabe Introduced a new Land Act Reform that wholly affecting the rich white Farmers and some few black farmers alike.

This resulted to the killing And mob action by Zimbabwean war veterans and some lunatics in the Society. In fact a lot of people were killed because of this Land reform Act For which my father was one of the victims.

... At this point, we decided to Transfer my late father’s money to a more reliable foreign account as Soon as you take delivery of the consignment. ...

We have been under close Watch by the authority hence we cannot travel to take Delivery.
I am Seeking for a partner who I have to entrust my future And that of my Family in his hands.

I must let you know that this Transaction is % 100 risk free.
If you accept to assist us, do please contact me with Either my telephone or email, as stated below to Finalize all the Arrangement with the security company for the delivery Of the Consignment to you.

Mr. Johnson Mbani
Tele:+27-83-690-6276
E-mail:( johnson_mbani@yahoo.com )

I will conclude all arrangements with the security Company to clear The consignment (funds). I will also enlighten you on The sharing (65%/35% basis) and the subsequent investment to be Made in your Country with our share with your advice.
Thanks, GOD
BLESS YOU


Well, God has blessed me... with some COMMON SENSE!

Who would fall for such things? Maybe the same people who invest in pyramid schemes (and send their credit cards in the mail!! (sorry, still getting over that one)).


The other scheme is from a poor dear widow.* *sniff*

I am the widow of former Taoiseach of the Republic of Ireland, Charles J. Haughey [he actually existed. sneaky sneaky...] who passed away last year (May his soul rest in peace) and daughter of former Taoiseach of the Republic of Ireland and heir to de Valera, Sean F. Lemass. The urge to ignore this email will be high, but I want you to accept it in good faith, with humility as a divine calling and not to ignore this email or it's contents.

OK, with all this blessing and 'divine calling' stuff I'm wondering if it's fundamental Christians who fall for these schemes. I mean someone must be falling for it cause why else would they keep doing it?




Or, maybe they're greedy...? The dear widow 'Mrs Maureen Haughey' continues:

It [claiming the money, 30million Euros] will be very easy, risk free and 100% legal as I will take care of all the legal documents needed to make you the sole beneficiary of this funds on my behalf. I have also set aside 10% of the total funds as your share, i.e €3,000,000 (Three Million Euros) for your work in assisting me move the funds from where it presently lies to a new account in your name that will be managed by you.

She ends: For my security and the sake of letting sleeping dogs lie, I strongly advice that you keep our dealings confidential. [uh huh]

Thank you very much for your time and attention. I look forward to hearing from you.

Yeah, I bet you do!


I have all their emails (so I can return them my personal account details!). But, I figure, if I sent them back something nasty they'd probably email me an impressively destructive virus. So I shall refrain, and act like the lady I am... posting them on my blog for some mild amusement.

Anyone know someone who has fallen for a scam (apart from that woman on Judge Judy)?

[UPDATE 12 Oct: Davey has shared some of his mate's correspondence with spammers. Well worth a look; absolutely hilarious and has given me some good ideas (although it looks more fun being a male respondent).]


* Of course they're all from the same person; who is surely developing quite a multiple personality disorder at this stage. Actually, there are probably at least two people working on it together. I mean, so you can have different voices on the answering machine.