Dressing as Putin for Halloween. Boo. Eeek.

Some scary facts to scare you for Halloween:

Russia's political leadership has undergone a total ideological transformation over the past decade. Long gone is its co-operation with the US and the EU. Instead, its leadership now emphasises its ideological hostility to the West. Somewhat like China, ultra-nationalism, suspicion of foreigners and a restoration of state power have become the regime ideology.

Russia has increased its military budget by almost 500% since 2000. Making it the second biggest military spender.

Just as scary: The biggest spender is China. (And who knows just how much they're bloody spending as they always lie about it. "Trick or treat?" Trick. Trick. Tricky.)

Still scary: Both Russia and China are spending these great wads of cash on modernising their nuclear weaponry. Modernising. Making dem a lot betta. So much so that they'll have a more superior, efficient and secure nuclear force than the US within the next decade. (Although this week the US saw it might need to start modernising... somehow... Uh. Can we do it without testing????)


And a couple of guys writing in the US journal The National Interest, also note that Russia is happily testing out their capabilities with large scale military exercises. (Practice makes perfect!). Of course China joins in on these too. So nice to see nations playing together.
Oh, and back onto what the guys have said: the US nuclear deterrent could lack credibility if Russia gets ahead of them... Such a weakening of US might would have terrible consequences for Japan and South Korea (and possibly us!) as they rely greatly on the US for their security.

Mind you... The same journal also says, "Russia’s present financial difficulties are likely to force Moscow to accelerate economic integration with the West, which will force the Kremlin to moderate its foreign policy." Their stock market as fallen by 70% since May, and the "ruble has lost two year’s worth of appreciation".
So, we may finally be able to say, 'Yay for the economic crisis!'
Unless it just levels us all out of course, and the West weakens just as much...

Um...

OK. Well let's just talk scary North Korea...!

(Fingers crossed Kim Jong-il will be garbed as a ghost this year!)

It's just a flesh wound!!!!!!!!!

Well, thank goodness I began my new routine of regularly meditating before all the kerfuffle of this global financial crisis and ere I had to listen overly much to the cheesy drivel of a persistently winking Sarah Palin. Urgh. And then I also had to focus on my breathing and tend to the stress of my emotions when McCain was prowling around in the last debate, acting for all intents like a used car salesman (as my mum rightly noted... and in the harsh tones of one who has no regular meditation routine).

Terrible (and under-reported) findings of the CCC (re Mallard and WA police), prison riots and even perhaps the fear of flying Qantas lately, fade into the background when our market and dollar are dipping into the plunge pool, Iceland (which may possibly be sued the by UK) is drowning alongside other uncertain doggy-paddling nations, and economists are as confused as the actual workings of the financial markets.

*Ohmmmm* At least I don't live in the US... *Ohmmmm* ...with a mortgage, potential job(s) loss and no real health care... *Ohmmmm* ...with a current national public debt of $10,245,247,740,307.58

Today I read (on a US site)-

The U.S. Government now borrows nearly $10 million every minute. This is precisely why our national debt crossed the $10 trillion threshold for the first time. The famous “National Debt Clock” in Times Square has run out of digits forcing the operator, the Durst Organization, to remove the dollar sign and replace it with the number “1.” The Durst Organization is now refurbishing the clock to allow up to one quadrillion dollars...

It may, however, be of some benefit that few in the US would even know what a quadrillion is.

(It's a thousand trillion. Comforting to know a debt of 100 times the current one is being prepared for...)


*Ohmmmmmmmmm*

POP-u-lar

Lord, but I am so tired of hearing "alcopops"! Alcopops, alcopops, alcopops!!! Will it ever go away?!! (It's really enough to drive one to drink...)

"Alcopops" is a silly Brit term. And it's a silly tax that Labor's applying too. Of course it's just for revenue and to close a tax 'loophole'. (Not that they'll steadily admit this.)

But don't get me wrong. I fully support it!!!

Obviously this is not because I have a hate of drunken teenagers... that would be a bit hypocritical as I was one myself (and never used a mixer - What? Dilute it? Horrors!!). (Oh, and when times were tough it was onto the 4-litre Fruity Lexia. Hey. If it was good enough for us...)

No, I'm in support of the tax hike cause the biggest consumers of premix drinks are big-gutted, 30-40-something, ute-drivin' blokes... (such as my ex for example, who was (regularly and overly) fond of premixed bourbon and colas, which I think is absolutely disgusting, as coke will rot your gut).

Plus, the tax increase is also targeting people who obviously have no taste. Which is only fair really. A 'Poor Taste Tax'. (Shit. Hope it doesn't apply to ex-boyfriends...)

Nutcase

Quokkas may be safe... but nuts should be protected from Buswell's (surely well-practiced) 'squirrel-grip'.


Will brassieres, chairs or cajones EVER FEEL SAFE AGAIN!!!!!?

THIS WEEK'S TOP 3 - STUBBORN & ANNOYING

1. Burma's Junta

Burma's military regime is being stubborn and annoying:

...delaying visas for UN workers and other relief agencies. While the regime said little, observers said the reason for hesitation was clear: the junta fears an influx of foreigners could spur fresh unrest following pro-democracy protests last September, which were put down violently.

Our PM is also finding them annoying:

The nation's military Government has refused permission for the US to send aid to the country, and its troops have been accused of doing little to help the clean-up.

Mr Rudd has told Fairfax Radio that it is "obscene" that Burma's junta is obstructing the world's efforts to help the cyclone victims.

"The Burmese regime is behaving appallingly," Mr Rudd told Fairfax Radio Network.

Mr Rudd spoke to Australia's ambassador Bob Davis this morning, who told him the Burmese military hadn't budged on the issue of foreign help overnight.

"(This is) not just frustrating our own aid agencies but frustrating the international community," he said.

Mr Rudd believes the junta may have even turned back two of four UN workers who arrived in Burma last night to carry out a critical assessment of the situation.

"This is an extraordinary reaction. What can we do about it?" he said.

"I'm hoping later today or over the course of the weekend to speak with the secretary-general of the United Nations to see what we can do globally to leverage the Burmese into a better course of action."

Four United Nations aid planes reached Burma overnight but there has been widespread criticism of the junta's reluctance to allow more aid in.

Oh, and there also looks like - apart from all the dead and the 1.5 million homeless - there's an outbreak of cholera.


UPDATE 9/5:

Rescue crews have been deported by Burma's military junta, just a day after arriving in the disaster-stricken nation.

The Burmese government declared it is "not ready" for foreign search-and-rescue teams following the devastating cyclone, which has left some 100,000 dead and millions without homes.

UPDATE 2:

Burma's junta has impounded two United Nations food aid shipments at Rangoon airport, officials said, triggering more outrage at the military government's refusal to accept a major international relief operation.

"We're going to have to shut down our very small airlift operation until we get guarantees from the authorities," a furious World Food Program (WFP) regional director Tony Banbury told CNN.

"It should be on trucks headed to the victims. You've seen the conditions they are in. That food is now sitting on a tarmac doing no good," Mr Banbury said.

UPDATE 10/5: Some aid getting through (Tim Costello, World Vision). And Rudd tells UN "Australia will offer further aid to Burma after the initial commitment of $3 million."



2. Hillary Clinton

Not that she can compete with the Burmese junta...






But what is she thinking? How froward can one be to stick around this long? [Although, really, worse is to come at #3]


Lies about being under sniper-fire; 'blends in' (oh, just remarkably so) with the 'blue-collars' with her sudden beer-swillin', gun-totin' ways; and wearing a saints bracelet to get the Catholic vote. Eg:

"You know, my dad took me out behind the cottage that my grandfather built on a little lake called Lake Winola outside of Scranton and taught me how to shoot when I was a little girl," she said.

Asked when she last fired a gun or attended church services, Clinton said the query was "not a relevant question in this debate."

Also: '...in an instantly notorious interview with USA Today, Clinton was back to arguing her superior electability. “There was just an A.P. article posted that found how Senator Obama’s support among working, hardworking Americans, white Americans, is weakening again, and how the whites in both states who had not completed college were supporting me,” she said. “ There’s a pattern emerging here.”'

Classy.

And now she's running out of money, and more and more people in her own party are wanting her to give up already!



Not even this is stopping her!













Although... it must hurt quite a bit. (Don't he look happy!)




Along with news headings such as:

Democrats wait and wonder when Hillary Clinton will concede defeat


The latest on Hillary's journey to the exit

And:

It's over

Dated 6th of March!!

Plus, UPDATE:

And the New York Post hit the streets with cruel tabloid succinctness: a picture of the home-state senator over a single word—“TOAST!”—in block letters three inches high.

Someone show her the light! The green one. With E - X - I - T on it...





3. Liberal Party Leaders


EXAMPLE A: Brendan Nelson








Back to 9%... again.







Last week gave us, with an I-just-watched-Bambi-and-cried-my-eyes-out expression, the great comment of:

Every mother loves her baby, every baby is valued and Mr Rudd should value all babies equally.

We should not live in Australia where Mr Rudd thinks that some babies are more valuable than others, it's very, very important that Mr Rudd understand that every mother loves her baby and this should be an Australia where all babies are equal.

(Er... They're measuring the finances of the P-A-R-E-N-T!)



UPDATE 10/5: Lenore's perfectly titled column 'Rich mums love their children too, say Libs' quotes Brendan from 1998 defending the government's mean-testing of the childcare cash rebate:

"I thought, what an extraordinary situation where you can have someone who I know has a household income in excess of half a million dollars actually thinking about changing a vote on the basis of whether or not they will receive a non-means tested childcare cash rebate," he said.

"The whole point is any government needs to ensure that those who are most in need are the people who receive most of the benefits that government provides. You have to ask yourselves, have we lost the plot or haven't we?"

See, Rudd's not the only one who can ask himself (sensible) questions. Perhaps ol' 9%-Brendan should get back into the habit.



Then there's this article:

RECALLING British prime minister Harold Wilson's observation that a week is a long time in politics, Brendan Nelson says that the 23 weeks since the federal election have been a political eternity. It shows. The Opposition is displaying all the symptoms of relevance deprivation syndrome, as former Labor minister Gareth Evans once described it.

I was thinking more Cerebral Deficit Syndrome meself...

And he reckons the problem of inflation is kinda made up. Article continues:

The Opposition's political strategy is not hard to divine. As quickly as it can, it wants to shift the blame for anything that goes wrong with the economy from the Coalition to Labor. ... But constructing this political edifice has strained his credibility. It is not only the Government taking inflation seriously. The Reserve Bank said on Tuesday that "inflation in Australia has been high over the past year" and it has been putting up interest rates to counter it. Everyone who buys petrol or does the shopping knows prices are going up. Yet Nelson is seriously suggesting that if only the Government stopped talking about it, it would go away.

(cartoon source)

And Liberal CDS is catching...


EXAMPLE B: Troy Buswell

Party decides to keep him after his insulting sexist comments, bra-strap-snapping and chair sniffing shenanigans.

Even though they are expecting MORE SUCH THINGS TO COME!

THE woman at the centre of the seat-sniffing scandal involving West Australian Opposition Leader Troy Buswell says he writhed in mock sexual pleasure during the incident.
The woman... told The West Australian newspaper that Mr Buswell sniffed her chair twice within 10 minutes, while groaning and making "sexually satisfying noises".

"We finished the meeting (with a constituent), I walked the bloke downstairs and out of parliament, and when I got back I walked into the room to pick up my notepad from the desk and Buswell started grabbing the chairs going `aahww, which one did you sit in? I'll be able to tell'," she said.

"And then he picked them up and started sniffing them and groaning and making sexually satisfying noises. I went, `you're sick, knock it off', and grabbed my staff and walked out, but he didn't pay attention to a word I said."

The woman said she was standing with colleagues about 10 minutes later when one of them knocked on Mr Buswell's door to ask one of his staff to lunch.

"Buswell opened the door really wide, grabbed a chair and started sniffing it, lifted it above his head sniffing it and breathing in, going `aaww yeah'," the woman said.

"It was awful. My colleagues, the four men I worked with, were just stunned into silence."

1. Is this not enough?


2. Is not more of this not enough?


3. What WILL be ENOUGH to GET RID OF ALL THESE STUBBORN AND ANNOYING BUGGERS!

Woof!

Troy Buswell has been dealing with some difficulties lately. WA’s Liberal Party appears to be in competition with the federal party as they create new definitions for ‘leadership’.

Not only has Mr Buswell had to admit to being drunk and snapping open a woman's bra, plus making sexist remarks against other women in Parliament. Now he has had to deny (13 times in one breath) and then admit to sniffing the chair of a female staffer after a meeting in his office.

It was alleged that Mr Buswell lifted her chair and started sniffing it in front of her after she had finished interviewing a constituent.

He then allegedly repeated the act moments later in front of several Liberal staff members.

“I was just checking to see if the bitch was in heat”, the gentleman explained.

It's understood that the woman had warned Mr Buswell about his pranks before.

On a previous occasion, he had allegedly crawled around on his hands and knees in front of the same woman pretending to be her husband.

Luckily he is well supported by his party's minister for women's interests so that he won't be losing any female votes in the upcoming election:

Shadow women’s interests minister Helen Morton said Mr Buswell, who had recognised his past behaviour was unacceptable, had her full support.

“There is an absolute commitment on behalf of Troy. He has made a huge effort to understand the insensitivities of (that) behaviour and has made a huge forward movement,” she said.

Yes. It is good of her to recognise and explain to voters that a man who has to make a "huge effort" to know that sniffing a woman's chair is at all wrong, really would be making a "huge forward movement".



It will also be a boost for him to hear that the well revered and 'secure' Liberal leader Brendan Nelson has today said: "Mr Buswell enjoys my confidence and my support."



Also, the WA "deputy Liberal leader, Kim Hames, stood by Mr Buswell, while admitting there was no one to replace him."



Really. How much support can a guy take?



Apparently he did it just to get a laugh... He must be so pleased now that he’s (thoroughly) succeeded.

Not to put too fine a point on it... and perhaps no point at all...

You may have thought by my recent and thorough blog absence that this year, being a leap year and all, I was going to leap my way over February altogether and not return until March. But you are quite mistaken (obviously!) as I have now returned to opine upon the limitations and inclinations of beliefs.

Yes, you heard rightly. Phil-oss-o-fee.

*clears throat in a ladylike manner*


Everybody believes in something and everybody, by virtue of the fact that they believe in something, use that something to support their own existence.
- Frank Zappa

The wise Mr Zappa is quite correct. I have been pondering such things myself lately and have realised that absolutely everything we humans believe in - including what we choose not to believe in - is a mere choice, you know, nothing can be proven and all that. (ie. Reality is in the eye of the beholder... Oooh...)

Some of you may find such an understanding of reality heartening as you appreciate the absolute freedom this gives a person. Others may take a more pessimistic approach and sigh in longing for answers which, it seems, you can only make up for yourself. Oh why cannot some worldly or (even more wonderfully) unworldly soul come along and show one the way; explain what's black and what's white! *holding back of hand to pale forehead as one beseeches the night sky above* I mean, everything is just a choice to believe or not believe? How heartbreakingly grey! And how can anything have any meaning at all if that is the case!??

Well, continuing in such thinking will only create a well worn path from your pacing treads upon the carpet and the only thing you will catch is likely your own tail (or, more aptly, 'tale') so don't get one's self in knots but instead distract yourself and feel some sympathy for those living in the time of Oscar Wilde...

It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information.
- Oscar Wilde

...as they obviously did not have the internet.



Mr Wilde also believed "only the shallow know themselves." This makes a lot of sense considering the philosophical ponderings above... (she says out of the corner of her mouth as she is busy chewing her own tail).


The wonderful lass Mr George Eliot opined that "We are all apt to believe what the world believes about us." True, true. And also sheds extra light on how the shallow know themselves so well.


Sir Francis Bacon: "If a man will begin with certainties, he shall end in doubts; but if he will be content to begin with doubts he shall end in certainties."
Well... I suppose from my latest ponderings I am certain that everything I think I know or believe is purely my choice, and same goes for everyone else... But then, that's just what I choose to believe, I suppose... so, how certain am I?

Oh. He said "a man"! Well, there you go...



Ah, hell to it all. Let us instead reveal and revel in the wisdom of Lily Tomlin: "Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs."


Obviously the trick is to be shallow and eternally inebriated.



*hic*

Top up my vodka will you George darling...

Sorry, Mary Anne then...

Er, aren't you dead dear?

Hmm, I could take your lack of response as affirmation... as inebriation... but... as I belieeeve you're here......

News & nonsense

Is it just me or is the news extra depressing lately? I find I cannot sit through it in recent days; I have to turn it off before I fall to the floor in a foetal ball of soggy sobbing (not always the best of looks).

Neither is this predicament greatly assisted by the tail end - the pointy end? - of the election campaign. I believe 'repetition' may now be more accurately defined as 'brain washing'. How dumb do these pollies think we are? And how dumb does Howard look repeating the same answers to every question? Blah blah interest rates? Not my fault but I can still control them best. (wtf?) Don't forget I'm the best one to steer the economy. Blah blah cost of living? I'm the best one to steer the economy. Blah blah AWAs? I'm the best one to steer the economy. Blah blah your favourite colour? I'm the best to steer the economy.

And they thought Reagan was a robot...


Driving me nuts.


[Smooth segue follows.]


What I'm also thinking is nuts lately, to get away from the dreary news, is past relationships.

Leaving sex aside, what my ex-husband (Hex for short - a particularly apt sobriquet considering his predisposition for presenting a phony persona and his overall commitment to manipulation) and my more Recent ex (Rex for short - no, this doesn't suit him at all) miss the most about me is: my scintillating conversation.

This makes sense re Hex, as he and I were actually able to partake of reasonably interesting tete-a-tetes. Although, he never liked to really debate anything too much (whereas I can do this endlessly) he did at least converse.

Whereas Rex showed great disinterest, even disdain, for most things I tend to discourse upon. This didn't just include personal stuff or speaking of my family and friends, but also anything metaphysical, analytical, profound or even observatory.
Yet, when I spoke to him last night he confessed that my prattling on about such things was what he really missed.
I replied, 'But you always told me to shut up!'
'Yeah, but now I miss it.'
'?!'


He's trying to tell me that he's changed and learnt. Makes it sound like now he would be interested to hear my thoughts and ideas. Yeah right. Twice now we've had a go at a relationship, and after both he's repeatedly said that he kicks himself every day, really regrets that he didn't do better, didn't appreciate me enough. I gave him another chance last time after he'd said all that, but he still messed up. So I'm clear, very clear, that there's no way he's getting another chance. Friends only from now on.

Plus, the guy I mentioned that I have a wee crush on - who I'm sensibly aware is still likely not up to my newly rather high (or at least 'higher') standards - when, rather innocently and allegedly, sharing his opinion of me said I am interesting to talk to. Must be true eh? Mind you, at least this guy has the sense to realise this without having had a relationship with me - especially one in which he has actually complained of my speaking (re Rex: really, it's just ridiculous*).




* surely my alliteration of the week.

Kev: "Shake what yo mamma gave you, baby!"

I've changed my mind. I'm not voting for Kevin Rudd now. He visited a strip club in New York. Four years ago. Tsk.


Seriously though, such news loses some of its impact when we knew Libs had some dirt on him they were waiting to reveal, and apparently Julia Gillard too (what? she was the stripper!!!?).

Honestly, after the initial hoo-ha most people will surely think to themselves, 'OK. He is presenting himself as the next Prime Minister, quite a big deal yes, but this is all the dirt on him? That's it? That's the best the Libs have got?'


After such ponderings people may next try to picture John Howard in a strip joint...





Hee. Yes, that gave me a good chuckle too.















Of course Johnny wouldn't need to go as I'm certain Jeanette does a regular show for him at home, being the devoted wife and all. She'd be oiling herself up, putting on the heels and garter, feather boa. *cue music*

The minute ya walked in the joint. BAA DA!! I could see you were a man of distinction, real big spender...

*jiggle jiggle*

*shimmy*

"Hee hee. Oh Jeanette!"





Sorry. You weren't eating while reading this were you...?



---

Anyway, a couple of things had me a bit shirty this morning (pun likely subconsciously intended).


1. The Big Sensational News Story was 'broken' by Glenn Milne. Ahem...

2. Glenn Milne is queried about the glass houses aspect on Insiders and says well, he's not running for PM. But then he backs this up with a list of qualities that are important for high-ranking politicians and they were all equally viable qualities for journalists! Why did no one point this out to Mr Milne?!! (I said my piece loudly to the telly but was rudely ignored.)

3. I switch over to Nine to see if Rudd is still being interviewed on Sunday. Catch the end of the interview. Hear that news headlines will be after the ads so wait for them.
News headlines: what Rudd said before the ad break, he'd been to a strip club; show footage of him in studio a few minutes ago; end news headlines. Another tirade aimed at the telly and enforced by a few expletives regarding the quality of Channel Nine reportage and journalistic integrity, and a firm switching off of said telly. (I showed them.)

---

In some ways this news re Rudd actually confirms his goody-goodyness. He has explained that he was a bit drunk and that it was only for the SECOND TIME in his LIFE! Good grief. How much more straight laced an Aussie male could you ask for? (OK, well, after Johnny... aaand Abbott...)



Anyway. I'm sure he only went there for the ladies renowned (according to the owners) conversational delights:

The SCORES officers Management will ensure that licensee’s of the “SCORES” brand name maintain the highest standards of operation particularly with their performers in the areas of personal appearance and personality as well as the ability to interact intelligently with customers and engage them in meaningful conversation.

Uh huh.

This is terrible news!! I need a drink...

Just watched the ABC news. Apparently 2 million Australians are giving themselves brain damage by drinking too much. Based on the reliable evidence of my family and friends, I'd say that's a wholly accurate and possibly conservative estimate.

The news' example was a guy who used to drink a bottle of vodka and a slab of beer a day. Apparently this gave him brain damage.

No fucking kidding.

Yeah, he's a great example. Surely no one ever thought that a bottle of spirits and a shitload of beer daily might be doing them that kinda harm. I mean, you'd have thought the liver damage would've knocked you off the perch way before then!


The point of this study is that you may not realise how little alcohol it takes to inflict such a negative impact upon your brain funtion. 6 bevvies daily for the blokes (therefore my last beau was and is likely suffering brain damage *restrains self from commenting further upon this*), and only 3 for us ladies.


As the papers have noted: More than 200,000 Australians are living with undiagnosed permanent brain damage caused by drinking alcohol.

Quite a low number really considering a significant percentage of that would be my mother's side of the family. (Hey, this new study explains a lot...)


Anyway, after the news was 7.30 Report getting all excited about how much teenagers are drinking. As if this is NEWS.
AND they're going to parties where alcohol is available. No! Really?!

I'm not sure I see what has changed in the last 15 to 18 years since I was a teen and took vodka to school in my lunchbox.


**********

PS - In case you're concerned for my brain these days, *wipes drool from chin* although some damage may have occurred during my younger years (really, the acid concerns me more than my frequent imbibing of Southern Comfort), today I only allow a moderate amount of alcohol to pass between these lips and only once or twice a week at that.

*pats self on head*


PPS - I've had a bit of a shitty day, so today is one of those days. (But I've added lime juice to my vodka, so it's pretty healthy really...)

*pats self on head again*


*feels dizzy*


*wipes more drool from chin*


*decides to stop patting head*


*lies down*

Super-Procrastinator Girl!!!

Due to a pressing need to frantically procrastinate I've made myself into a comic book character/heroine (as supported by peer-reviewed stat.s [see Table 1.1 right]).

Do I look tough? Like I'd kick ass? Like I could gouge out your eye with a dainty yet deadly stilettoed heel? Like I could change my attire merely by spinning round and round and round really, really fast?
Or do I look plain blurry and trashily pixilated? (Remarkably accurate really considering that's exactly how I'm feeling... possibly due to an overindulgence in recent consumption/s of vodka and Grand Marnier-lashed ice cream [see last post])

For my next busy, time-filled procrastination I will create a matching super-heroine action figure, complete with assorted dazzling accessories. Apart from a variety of colourful capes and externally-worn knickers these are likely to include: a tired and dusty notebook computer, a dazed expression from photo editing, snazzy tortoiseshell spectacles (to hide secret identity), assorted tomes and newspapers (to complete the nerdish persona she secretly hides behind), and an invisible super-jet (they're cheaper that way, plus environmentally friendly and simply packaged). And perhaps an invisible boy-wonder companion (really the best kind; save a lot of hassles...), and maybe a fluffy pet of some description (cause, you know, I'd like a pet, a bunny or dog or cat or something, maybe a fur seal or two, a flamingo... but don't feel I could responsibly commit to one right now as I am likely unable to stay in one place long enough to give it a stable home... *coughs* due to the fact that I'm *ahem* rather busy saving the world and all that).


Anyway, enough procrastinating. *sigh* I'm off for a nanna nap...

**********

The 'Net is a waste of time, and that's exactly what's right about it. (William Gibson)

I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. (Jerome K. Jerome)

How do I Loathe thee? Let me count the ways…

Now, you probably won’t recall, but I mentioned recently that I knew ‘by heart’ another poem, (shorter than Keat’s Ode on Melancholy).

I warn you now I’m going to print it here and it’s exceptionally soppy.

It’s by Elizabeth Barrett Browning* from Sonnets from the Portuguese (probably about Robert Browning, her hubby; it’s not ‘How Do I Love Thee?’). If I recall correctly, she called it this because she knew the contents were rather soppy so pretended she was merely translating the poetry (perhaps I should label all future soppy posts ‘I blame the Portuguese’ – poor sods, what did they ever do to her?).

Really the collection is quite lovely though.

Anyway, I still love the romanticism of this sonnet; the feeling that someone’s your soul mate. Yet, I was commenting on someone’s post today about how bloody happy I am to be single. I found I felt quite strongly about it.

I’ve never lived on my own before the start of this year (well, technically I have, but never for more than a few months). I absolutely love it. So much so that I’m now a little concerned that I will never be able to live with a man ever again.

I have always cherished time on my own. In fact, when my mother would force other small children to come and play - for fear her Only Child would otherwise become socially inept - I would most often say, ‘Can they go home now?’ after about 15 minutes. She eventually gave up, poor dear.

The freedom of single life is marvellous. I cannot believe how much I’ve been missing out on being almost consistently in relationships! Is this why men would hold on to me so tightly, lest I become aware of the bliss of a life of solitude?

A life free of

snoring,

unwanted groping (when trying to sleep),

lack of groping (when it would be of comfort),

strict rules on what music I can play and when, and then dealing with his irritation at too much silence (this is the most recent ‘Effort’ I’m referring to here, ‘How can you stand it so quiet!’ Hmm, maybe because I don’t have secret fears of my conscience surfacing in the silence…!).

Having to cook, or eat (they all have enjoyed cooking thank god), a proper meal every night – I’m more of a simple girl about these things… unless I’m at a nice restaurant of course (which Effort took me to ONCE only to point out the cost of it; note, this was for my birthday).

Having to pick up after him; wet towels on beds and floors, alongside stinking dirty shirts and jocks (and, re Effort, washing all his clothes, doing all the cleaning and never once thanked – and before you get the wrong idea I was supporting myself, in fact, kind-hearted soul that I am, I was always loaning him money).

Listening intently and lovingly to him rant on about his interests and ‘funny stories’ only to have him take no interest in what I said, and even to ask me not to speak of some things at all (such as my family, friends, me, general observations, my stories, my life, movies I like, places I’ve been, things I’ve read, ETC… And yet, he would complain about the silence??).

Well, *takes deep breath* I’ll stop now before I start on one of my regular bouts of banging my head against a brick wall – in fact, I’m realising it appears that I’ve gone out with my share of brick walls…

What I’m trying to say is: this living on your own gig is rather fine (Oh God!!!! The FREEDOM!!!!!!). So, I’m wondering, if I ever do find a man who’s worth the effort, will I be able to live with him? Mayhap I’ll convince him we’re best living separately. I don’t know. I’m sure to grow out of this eventually.** But it’s going to take a pretty important guy to have me make an effort again, I will tell you now, yessirree Bob, indeedy do.

Anyway, here’s the soppy sonnet of Lizzie’s:

(Warning all Pragmatic Cold-Hearted Realists, avert thine eyes!)

Go from me. Yet I feel that I shall stand

Henceforth in thy shadow. Nevermore

Alone upon the threshold of my door

Of individual life, I shall command

The uses of my soul, nor lift my hand

Serenely in the sunshine as before,

Without the sense of that which I forbore--

Thy touch upon the palm. The widest land

Doom takes to part us, leaves thy heart in mine

With pulses that beat double. What I do

And what I dream include thee, as the wine

Must taste of its own grapes. And when I sue

God for myself, He hears that name of thine,

And sees within my eyes the tears of two.

[Fear not, this is quite likely not merely the first but indeed the last of my poetical offerings upon this blog. (Unless, of course, I inadvertently create a wondrous haiku.) And, I STILL don’t know any dirty limericks!]

* You may be not at all interested to note that an old coot once compared me to E.B.B. upon first meeting me. No, I look nothing like her, it was to do with the man I was seeing at the time with whom I had kind of ‘run off’ with, as E.B.B. did with R.B.. I met the dear old gent only once or twice but he gave me a tome of E.B.B. poems. I had already committed the above sonnet to memory. I am still impressed by his gesture.

** If I become a crazy cat lady I’ll let you know.

Who says the Germans have no sense of humour?

Has anyone noticed that news coming out of Germany has been a bit strange lately?


Obviously a very amusing place in which to reside... I know these tickled my fancy - during a rather torpid week for my fancy - so I'm feeling slightly grateful to the Germans (also because I like saying 'scheisse!' - an expletive likely to have been used by the farmer, the thief, and the bank manger... see below).

Pregnant cow runs riot across city

Tue Apr 24, 2007 8:34AM EDT

BERLIN (Reuters) - A pregnant cow being chased by police and fire fighters caused 25,000 euros ($33,900) of damage on a three-hour rampage through the German city of Hanover.

Uschi escaped from a farm late Monday and became increasingly violent as she encountered shocked drivers and pedestrians in the city.

Pursued by the farmer, television camera crews and 30 police and fire fighters, the Charolais cow lashed out at cars, benches, garden fences and whatever else got in her way during the 5-km chase, authorities said.

After more than three hours on the loose, Uschi was brought down by tranquilizer darts, without harming her unborn calf, fire services spokesman Martin Argendorf said Tuesday.

"She probably won't remember any of it when she wakes up again. But the farmer will, because he's going to have to pay damages of about 25,000 euros," he said.

Thief betrays himself to get free beer

Fri Apr 27, 2007 1:32PM EDT

BERLIN (Reuters) - A German phone thief led police right to his front door when they called the stolen mobile to say he had won some free beer and he willingly gave his address.

"An officer called and said, 'You've won a crate of beer'," said a spokesman for police in the eastern town of Neustrelitz Friday.

"Then he asked where he lived so he could drop the beer off, and the guy told him. I think the man was drunk."

Drunk deposits horse in bank for night

Wed Apr 25, 2007 11:24AM EDT

BERLIN (Reuters) - A German man called on his bank for an unusual service when he was too tired and drunk to go home -- he bedded down there for the night with his horse.

The man, identified as Wolfgang H. by German media, went to sleep next to cash machines in the local branch of the Mittelbrandenburgische Sparkasse in Wiesenburg southwest of Berlin after unsaddling his horse Sammy and closing the door.

A spokeswoman for the bank said that aside from an undesirable deposit made by his horse inside the building, the 40-year-old account holder had not breached any house rules.

"The horse was otherwise very well behaved and kept a good watch on his master," she said Wednesday. "Perhaps we should have a supply of oats and water on the premises in future."

Another customer discovered the horse and rider as he slept and informed police, who asked the man to leave.

A police spokesman said that since the horse's droppings had been removed, the matter was now closed.