Thursday, 12 June 2008

My imagined Clarke & Dawe interview of Rudd

(this is merely from my imagination - I hope they're not insulted!) a John Clarke & Bryan Dawe-type version of earlier post re Kev's visit to Japan:

Mr Rudd, thanks for your time. How are you enjoying Japan?

Oh, well, it's quite nice of course. Maybe not as nice as China, but quite nice.

And how did your meeting with the Prime Minister, Yasao Fukuda go?

Oh, pretty well Bryan, pretty well.

We all know that you're fluent in Mandarin Mr Rudd, but do you speak much Japanese?

Yes... a little...

What can you say in Japanese?

I know how to say, "My name is Kevin, I'm from Australia, thank you very much."

Oh yes, and what else?

Well, that's it really.


Yes. But I say it every chance I get Bryan. Oh, and Konnichiwa, I know that one.


You mean 'hai' Bryan. See. Know that one too!

Hai. Yes. And your meeting went well?

Yes, I mean hai Bryan. I knew the poor guy's ratings were pretty low. You know, they're below 20 per cent, and everyone's giving him a hard time with a censure and all. So I thought I'd tell him a little bit about Brendan Nelson...

And how did that go?

That cheered him up no end Bryan!

Well that's good. So you got along well then? Even after all the tensions about your trip to China? And the whaling...?

Well, yes and no Bryan. I also said to him he can call me Kevin, you know, everyone calls me Kevin.

Yes, we know.

But then I thought I'd cheer the poor bloke up a bit further and say he can call me The Ruddster if he likes.

The Ruddster?

Yes, I mean, hai... You see, we have a little group where we like to call each other... well, you know. There's The Swanster and The Gillster - I sometimes like to call her The Gillmeister - and The Tannster...

I get the picture.

Yes, hai... So I told him he could be part of the group too!

The Fukster...?


Oh dear...

Hai, I must say, it went a bit downhill from there Bryan.

I can imagine. So did you talk to him about the whaling?

Well yes Bryan. But, I was very diplomatic about it.

What did you say?

I said we'd better find a way to be diplomatic about it and once we find a way we'll do something about the whaling.


Yes. It's only polite Bryan.

And what did he say?

Well, he pointed out that our Defence Department killed 514 kangaroos recently. Our national emblem he said.

And what did you say?

I diplomatically pointed out to him that he was wrong Bryan!


Yes. Hai! I told him that the kangaroo isn't our official emblem, not officially Bryan. And anyway, that's the Red kangaroo on our Coat of Arms and these were Grey kangaroos... Plus, I rather diplomatically explained to him that whales weren't swarming all over his old military bases and endangering grassland...!

Well no. They're whales.

Exactly Bryan. I think he got my point.

And what about your visit to China?

Oh, it was great Bryan!

No. I mean, how did you smooth things over there with Mr Fukuda?

Well. I told him I'd taken the same length of time, six months, that Howard did to visit. I told him seven Australian ministers have already visited Japan this year. I told him that I couldn't think of any other country, in fact, that had had such high-level ministerial visits! And I said, "How many Japanese government ministers have been able to visit Australia in the same time?" Hey? I don't think any.

So you handled that diplomatically too...

Of course Bryan. We don't want to upset them any further. I was going to add, "So nyahh!" But I think he got my point...

So apart from that, things went well?

Sort of Bryan. I mean. I did feel the need to bring up how some people in Victoria are none too happy about a Japanese company buying that wind farm thing in Tarwin Lower... And that didn't go down too well...


You see, he thought it was Taiwan Lower. That he'd gotten one over on the Chinese!

Oh dear.

Hai. Indeed Bryan. He was very disappointed.

Hai... Were there any issues on which you did get along well?

Well, yes Bryan. We talked about the Toyota deal with the hybrid cars, and his plan to cut emissions and create some experimental carbon market thingamee. And we talked about my plan to save the planet with a Nuclear Non-Proliferations and Disarmament Commission, and I said I'd let him co-chair. You know the thing. The one to be headed by Biggles...

Yes, Biggles... Did you warn him about flying ashtrays?

Of course Bryan. Diplomatically...

And was he impressed with your ideas?

Oh, I think so Bryan. In fact. I gave him some advice, you know, to help him with his ratings and all. I told him...

To... deal with things diplomatically...?

Well, no...

To improve your education and health care systems? Get things right at home before you go out saving the world?

No Bryan...

I know! To do things in 'due season'?

No Bryan. But that's a good point. No. I told him that he ought to make a lot of spur of the moment announcements. You know. Get everyone's attention in some positive way. And the bigger the better!

But, only after he's thoroughly organised it and thought it through of course. You know, told the people involved what they'll be doing.

Hai... something like that Bryan. You know. A couple of hours' notice is always a good idea.
*laughs* You don't want people to think you're loopy or something! You know, for example, the hybrid car deal with Toyota. It was organised years ago that they'd be building these cars for us in Australia!

But, the head of Toyota did seem quite surprised about the $70 million dollars you offered. Tax payers' money...

Hai. They're not quite sure what to do with it actually...

So why did you offer it to them? Do you think you overdid it a bit?

No, no. Not at all Bryan! As I said to The Fuku... to Mr Fukuda. Big announcements. That's what you want. Then you'll be right mate!

I'm sure he was most appreciative. And where are you off to next Mr Rudd?

Jakarta. I'll be there this evening.

So, relations with Indonesia will need some of your diplomatic touch too?

I suppose so Bryan... But of course it's really about the big announcement I'll be making.

Oh, another one? What will it be about this time?

It's really a bit soon to be asking Bryan! I've got hours yet!

For the real (and superior!) thing, go here, or here.

Update 13/6: This is what they did last night.