Top Ten WRONGEST Crushes

Boo has created this meme. And oh, the sha-a-ame!!

Can I begin with some reasonably 'right' crushes? They would be George Clooney (I have even heard straight men say if they had to be with a guy it would be George...), Michael Vartan, Clark Gable, Jeff Buckley, Gotye, and a couple of guys from Grey's Anatomy... well... ok, fine... about four of them.

Pretty close to shameful, but I'm not sure about 'wrongest', are Owen Wilson (wonky nose and all), Brendan Julian and a young gentleman on Supernatural (I began watching the show this year after I happened to see him and his younger, tv-show-brother sans shirts). Apart from his youth, this crush on Jensen Ackles is mostly shameful due to his earlier role on Days of Our Lives - that I even know this is also of some concern.

However, the man that's made me go weakest at the knees, my heart go pitter-pat and my body overheat so that I sit on the couch and fan myself like some old-Hollywood drama queen, would be Russian tennis player Marat Safin. Oh. my... But really he should be in the 'wrongs': his temper tantrums and dummy spits are quite off-putting. Although, all that swearing in Russian...



Enough delaying... May I just say that this was really hard. There are not many 'right' celebrities I've found attractive, so to recall the 'wrong' types I've had a crush on, however brief or shallow, has tortured my brain cells immensely. Made more difficult methinks by my subconscious desire to avoid the shame...

*takes deep breath* Let us begin with...



1. SHAUN CASSIDY

Yes! A Cassidy!
I must have been about 6 when I had this wee crush, as The Hardy Boys ended in 1979. And wow did I have to strain to even recall this! But suddenly his image appeared, violently regurgitated from the murky depths of my memory. I didn't even know his name.
But I'm thinking he may be to blame for me occasionally finding The Strokes' singer, Julian Casablancas, a bit of a honey... You thinks?













2. JOHN SCHNEIDER














Again returning to girlhood. Back in the 80s I thought him a real sweetie pie. Plus, my girly crush on him helped me to sit through numerous mind-numbing episodes of the Dukes of Hazzard. Other than him I only really watched it for the car (honest).


3. MICHAEL HUTCHENCE

Well, it seems kinda wrong now, but when when I was 15 it made a whole lotta sense. He was the only guy who got a few - well, maybe, er, *cough* 20 or so - posters on my teen walls. I even know the dialogue to Dogs in Space by heart due to repeated viewings (was R-rated but the video store guy never questioned me, guess he was just happy that someone was renting it).




4. RUPERT EVERETT

Clearly wrong as the man is gay and participated in Sydney's latest Mardi Gras.
But he may be having second thoughts about his 'gayness':
"I don't want to be carried out of a club wearing a tie-dye T-shirt and a cap on the wrong way around when I am 70".
And he may at least be available:
"Unfortunately, I am single, yes, but I'm too exhausted for anything else and being gay is a young man's game," he says.
"Now no one wants me. Being gay and being a woman has one big thing in common, which is that we both become invisible after the age of 42. Who wants a gay 50- year-old? No one, let me tell you. I could set myself on fire in a gay bar, and people would just light their cigarettes from me."



5. BILL BRYSON

I first heard the adorable Mr Bryson many years ago on ABC late night radio when I wasn't well and couldn't sleep. His voice was divine (a mix of American and British) and his intellect and wit even more attractive. After that I sought out all his travels books and happily guffawed my way through them. Lovely chap. To have lunch with him and Terry Pratchett would be bliss, sheer jovial bliss.


6. FRANK WOODLEY

I found myself attracted to Frank (hey, it gets worse, there's a Dwayne coming up) when seeing him on Spicks & Specks. Again it's a man who can tickle my funny bone, but I think he's physically appealing too (yes, I admit it, he is free to tickle other things if he so wishes, there, I've said it). Although, not in character as in this photo of course. He looks better here (and not just because he's wedged in between Colin Lane and Andrew Denton).


7. HUGH LAURIE


I have been watching House this year. Apparently moody, mean, drug-addicted Americans do it for me cause I wasn't attracted to HL previously (with his usual British accent, and various silly voices on Blackadder, etc). Could it be the perennial stubble of beard?
Mind you, I have always liked him, it's just that now I find him attractive too. Along with millions of middle-aged American women I'm sure. Oh well. They'll agree with the next one too.



8. HUGH GRANT

*hangs head in shame* I only realised this recently. And oh Lord do I feel a cliche. Yes, I admit it, I enjoy some movies primarily because he is in them. I guess it's that naughty little boy thing he (always!) does. Oh, what a sucker I am. There, I have confessed. Just don't tell anyone, OK?






9. LAURENCE LLEWLYN-BOWEN

Well now. I've had one gay man, and now I have a man who really ought to be gay with his artsy-fartsy-ness, flamboyant dress sense, hair flicking and great love of posing. (Check out his website and you'll see what I mean.) When I was hooked-up to Foxtel I saw him applying his interior design skills on a British show, Homefront. I'm over this wee crush now, but I did find him somewhat compelling. I don't know, maybe I just believed what he believed: that he's the most gorgeous man who ever existed. But honestly, he had some rather marvellous suits and shirts. There's something alluring about a man who knows how to dress.



10. DWAYNE JOHNSON

Admitting a crush on a man named Dwayne must score me some points! AKA The Rock. Yes, a WWE professional wrestler. Does he make up for all the sissy men? Well, no. Not if you've seen him play a gay man in Be Cool (quite amusing too). Thankfully that did nothing for me (even with those tight, baby-blue polyester pants... especially with those tight, baby-blue polyester pants...). It was actually The Scorpion King. Yup. Beefcake. I am not immune.

Bits & Pieces (concerning harlots, breathless ejaculations; and muddy salamanders)

No one else may be interested, but today I was happy to learn that ‘mob’ is short for mobile vulgus (fickle crowd). I think it would be lovely to revert to using the full term again; it has much more charm.

John Howard: What’s all that bloody carry on I can hear? What a ruckus.

Peter Costello: Prime Minister, do not concern yourself, it is merely a mobile vulgus.

John Howard: Well, Pete, it’s just not cricket.

Robert Mugabe: [evil: Woo-ha-har-haa!] Not cricket eh, Johnny? That’ll be $2million. And if you need advice on how to deal with an angry mobile vulgus…

Today I also learnt that philippic is a verbal denunciation, a tirade. All because Demosthenes let it be known that he was not overly fond of some bloke called Philip (King of Macedon), back in 4^th century BC.

More trivia: Shakespeare created about 1,700 words.

These include: critical, leapfrog, monumental, castigate, majestic, obscene, frugal, radiance, dwindle, as well as excellent, fretful, gust, lonely and pedant.

Initially harlot referred to a boy.

In Chaucer’s time a girl was any young person, male or female.

I have learnt much of this via the scintillating Bill Bryson, who wrote that “Politician was originally a sinister word (perhaps, on second thoughts, it still is).” [I was there at first thoughts myself.]

I have found it quite useful to learn was that the word nice has meant many things over many years. In its first recorded use in 1290 it meant stupid and foolish. Several decades later Chaucer used it to mean lascivious and wanton. It changed throughout the next 400 years to mean extravagant, elegant, strange, slothful, unmanly, luxurious, modest, slight, precise, thin, shy, discriminating, and dainty. By 1769 it meant pleasant and agreeable.

Makes it tough in retrospect to know what writers' intentions were. For example, Jane Austin wrote in a letter: You scold me so much in a nice long letter…

We obviously need to be mindful of possible changes in definition as we read distantly written passages such as in Dickens’ ‘Bleak House’: Sir Leicester leans back in his chair, and breathlessly ejaculates.

My happiest recent discovery was revealed to me within the Macquarie definition of an olm. What is an olm, you may ask? Well, I am happy to reply that it is a mud puppy.*

So now you know.

* OK, the rest of you are probably cleverer than me and know that mud puppy is just another name for salamander. Well I didn't. So stop showing off. Anyway, I think the name is irresistibly endearing. Mud puppy! That's so cute. (Yes, yes... Flanellette sheets and knowledge of mud puppies - I am easily pleased.)

UPDATE, June 2008 (don't say I'm not thorough! ...occasionally).

Anon has corrected my interweb-researched knowledge of the appearance of a mud puppy. *sniff*

The above pic is similar to this one...

...of 'two mature white axolotls'.

Cute!

So, I've discovered real mud puppies, actually aren't so cute:

Although... they do seem to be more fond of flamboyant fashion accessories!

Apparently the same confusion applies for water dogs, which are just the larval stage blah blah blah... Both terms are used a lot for various things, various salamanders and axolotls. They're inaccurate but commonly used terms.

It's all very complex.

Some knowledgeable person says:

A mudpuppy is exclusively referring to a permanently aquatic animal from the eastern United States (Necturus spp., generally maculosus). They have four toes on each foot. They are also sometimes called waterdogs.

On the same page, we can see a lot of people get upset about these things:

I've worked in a petstore. Let me tell you!!! If it has gills and legs (some times even fins) people will tell you its a mudpuppy. Most of America seems to think a mudpuppy, waterdog, larval salamander & axolotl are the same creature. I've gotten into arguements about whether or not axolotls morph and if larval salamanders morph. YUP. Its frustrating.

I even once asked my boss to order some axolotls for me and I CAREFULLY explained the difference. I wound up with three very nice larval tiger salamanders. I kept one and passed the others on to friends.

:::sigh:::: where is the education?

And I don't blame them!

But, 'mud puppy' is such a cute name! No wonder its ubiquity has been encouraged. In fact, I think I'll call my next cat 'Mud Puppy'.... or, my next axolotl 'Fluffy'...