Tuesday, 17 July 2007

My Box... Vacant & Vacuous*

Tonight, just to further depress myself about the ubiquity of airheadism, I put myself through the mind numbing drivel of 'Victoria Beckham Coming to America'. All about her moving to LA, finding an assistant, a house, driver's license... real exciting, life-changing stuff like that.

I had planned to watch the movie 'Taking Lives' but the Weekend Australian Review was wrong yet again so I put down the reading of Airheads just to turn on the box and watch some airheads.

I don't know why, but I am still surprised by the existence of so many shallow, self-centred people who are about image instead of any substance behind the image.

Really, they're just empty images. Big-spending cardboard cut-outs.

No wonder Posh managed to fool the paparazzi into following a blow up doll wearing her frock.

It's not that I think Posh is some horrible person, she actually was funny a few times. Mind you, anyone with a bit of take-the-piss type humour transplanted to the US is going to show up the Yanks quite easily.
However, I felt a little sorry for her American assistant who was often unable to spot Posh's humour.
Mind you. It's probably difficult for anyone. For example, Posh proclaimed that no animal products ever enter her temple, gesturing to her skeletal frame. Then when asked if she liked shellfish, 'Yeah, I don't mind them.'

When studying for her driving test Posh asked what an 'intersection' was. Oh, like a crossroads! You're going to have to translate this into English for me.
For the test she had to sign a form: Sign this please.
OK. Who shall I sign it to? ...
Oh! You just want me to
sign it...
Plus, she couldn't remember three words regarding what to do in an earthquake after a specialist has just repeated it over and over for her (Duck, cover, hold). Um, duck... er... (puts hands over head and looks aside to entourage for clues).

Again, you aren't sure if she's joking when she arrives at a children's baseball practice - in her usual high heels which deform her walk into an awkward, cramp-inspired shuffle (her legs are never straight, they must be like Barbie's, permanently in a crooked position, toes pointed) - narrating: There were all these 'little people', and I thought, gosh, how far away are they? They're so small. Then I realised, oh, they're children!

She - scarily - has children of her own, so you'd hope she could recognise them, even when 'out in the wild' like that...

She has a permanent entourage glued to her side the entire time. After three weeks of them doing everything for her she happily boasts, regarding the move to the US: I've made this transition on my own.

And she made her way through the tough times, ie. feeling homesick, by shopping (oh, surprise) which she pronounced to find 'therapeutic'.

Throughout her shopping sprees she classifies everything as 'major'. Wow, that's major. When she attends a neighbour's tea party the women are major and one, who called herself The Little Mermaid and makes a loud, piercingly shrill 'mermaid call' which sounds like a rabid dolphin set to attack mode (if there were such a thing... you get the idea) had a 'major blow wave'. Which actually was quite an apt description. Not only did her face lie in repose of a permanent shock but her hair matched it, as though, just as a violent car accident occurred... the wind changed.

All the women at the tea party - little partaking of tea but much imbibing of liquor - appeared to have shopped for their faces at the same salon (obviously collagen lips were going 20% extra free! that day); their hair too. Posh has never looked so natural as when she sat amongst them (surely that gives you the picture).
It really was the tea party of terror if you ask me.

Maybe Posh understands this however. As she says, It's exhausting being fabulous. (Oh the poor dear, doesn't your heart just bleed?)

My tv viewing was made worse by the commercials of course.

Being a serial channel flicker I usually miss the ads - that's the point actually, if I don't flick I quickly hit MUTE. Most ads are hugely insulting to me, two tonight caught my eye however. They both spoke serenely and lovingly of the beauty of life, how we must live it to the full. One showed me images of colourful cartoon-like Mayflies, living their short but wonderful lives, wonderful because they lived in the moment. I was told that, like them, I should 'Make the Most of Now...


Yup. The link there's OBVIOUS...

Thanks for the lovely life-affirming message Vodafone. It worked. I immediately grabbed my mobile, and firmly switched it off (after giving it a brief cuddle of course, as indeed I am with Vodafone and I so appreciate their concern for my well-being). Now I can live my life fully and embrace it's beauty without being distracted by the harassment of phone calls!

I mean, the Mayflies looked bloody happy and I didn't see them yakking away with a mobile phone pressed to their colourful little heads.

The other ad with messages of the beauty of life, initially appeared to be concerned by the water shortage. It was full of images of people frolicking in water - rivers, beaches, smiling faces, the narrator was noting that 'Every Drop Counts'. These people looked so happy though. Look they were surrounded by water, even drinking it! What drought? Tra-la-la! This ad also wished for my happiness. It concluded by firmly advising me to 'Drink Positive. Think Positive.

... Mount Franklin

By this time I was thinking so positively that soon after I joyously switched off my telly. Who needs it!? I'm embracing life and thinking positive! Look at all those happy people surrounded by water! I wanted to be like them so I ran a big bath and splashed water EVERYWHERE reminding myself every drop counts, the more the better, think positive and make the most of now - the future and farmers can go to hell! We're like Mayflies, life's too short, enjoy! Spend! Buy! Shop! Increase your debt, die with debt (stuff the kids)! Life's too short! Wheeee!

Jeez. You just learn so much from telly these days.

* Yes, I mean it in both senses... (Yet I'm more disturbed by my tv viewing than the other which is going exactly to plan, thank fuck and lack thereof.)