Thursday, 15 October 2009

Look out, I think he's got pocket rockets!*

* (for those unfamiliar with poker, this means one has a pair of aces in one's hand or 'pocket')

In the past few months I have discovered the joys and woes of online poker. Now, these woes, you might be assuming, are the losses of vast sums of money that prevent me from living the meagre lifestyle I've grown accustomed to. But no. I play at the play money tables which means the woes are less harsh and include, a) losing, b) putting up with other losers, tools, major male egos, etc.

Fortunately the latter can, not only be annoying, but occasionally entertaining. This phenomenon occurs when said ego-driven male espies a pretty female at his table. Now, I would usually be an object of such lascivious attentions due to a) I am female, and b) I am a living female; however, I present at the tables in such a way as most would infer that I am male (eg. I had a chat with a Texan gentleman once who was imbibing vast quantities of whiskey, had fought in Vietnam and known some Aussie soldiers (yes, he confirmed, they could drink a lot of beer) and called me sir). I do not have a picture in my little circle icon, but if I did it would likely be a sepia of an 80 year old gent in a top hat.

I have seen the astounding wisdom of my decision not to have my name as Flirty73 or EleanorXXX with a photo of me smiling/winking/slyly-pouting, etc. You see, when a player of the female persuasion turns up - ie. has a photo of a female residing in her disc-like form at the cyber table - there is suddenly a pause of the game and even at times a sound-devouring hush
as all males take a moment to lean closer to their screen in aim of discovering their answer to the age old question of whether one would "chuck her out of" one's bed. Meanwhile, I'm scantily clad and already in bed and waiting for Sixpack69 to hurry up and call or fold or whatever!

The desperation of some men amazes me. Sometimes the chick they're chatting up is on the same continent at least. I can recall one occasion where Studman007 and Frenchy21 were flirting like mad,
it was putting me off my game. The guy was quite the macho male and even abused little ol' me as a way of persuading her of his astoundingly masculine charms. I just tried to stop rolling my eyes long enough so I could click the 'block chat' button to find some relief for the ever increasing nausea I was suffering. Ugh. He had all the charm of week-old road kill.

At least those two were on the same continent. Another time it was Iceman76 from a South American country hounding after Mudriska33 from some Slavic nation.
'me no girlfirend'
'you boyfirend?'
'give me your number' was the extent of his wooing.
She politely responded even though he was on the other side of the world with a stupid name and only a grey emptiness on his representative disc: 'Are you on facebook?'
But it seemed he wasn't as he kept trying to get her number or address. I was laughing quite hard at this stage but managed to type:
'maybe if you gave her some of your chips'.
Iceman76: OK!!!
But, soon he was leaving and so just gave her his phone number, all several hundred international codes and all. Of course, when I say gave her his number I mean gave us all his number. How tempted was I to call it and pretend to be Mudriska33, proposing marriage and asking what his relationship was like with his mother.

Some of the comments are classic. It's amazing how much you can tell about a person just from some quickly typed comments during a poker game. a) whether english is their first language, b) how desperate they are, and c) how ridiculously, insane and desperate they are.

See example below. liz&bob is from Melbourne, hamaav from Birmingham. Let me just set it up for you. Before hamaav arrives at the table I have already figured out that it is liz, not bob, playing as whenever liz&bob wins a big hand they type 'sorry' in the chat box. We are happily playing away, all minding our own business only interrupted by the occasional 'nh' (nice hand) or apologies from liz&bob. Then hamaav arrives in the empty 'seat' between me and liz&bob. This is a direct copy of the conversation:

hamaav: cna ask u how old? bob
liz&bob: its liz 27
hamaav: good
Dealer: lefa240, it's your turn. You have 8 seconds to act
hamaav: and u spek engshe?
liz&bob: yep
Dealer: liz&bob has a flush, Ace high
Dealer: Game #3357312295: liz&bob wins side pot (700) with a flush, Ace high
Dealer: Game #3357312295: liz&bob wins main pot (3,070) with a flush, Ace high
hamaav: waht yop?
liz&bob: yes
hamaav: ok
hamaav: wear u from??
liz&bob: australia
hamaav: nice
hamaav: i ilk
Dealer: Game #3357345009: liz&bob wins pot (210)
hamaav: wat swer nem?*
hamaav: why u not come to uk?
liz&bob: been there
hamaav: wen
liz&bob: 3years
hamaav: lettl?**
…[she leaves table]
hamaav: cna ask u email adras?
…[he leaves table]
[player that is me is rolling on the floor laughing her behind off]

* I belatedly realised this must have been ‘what surname?’.
** I even more belatedly translated this as 'lately?'

Surprising she resisted his charms, especially with that particularly hip intro of (an albeit slightly abstract) 'what up?'.

Ah, she must be dedicated to dear ol' Bob.