Tuesday, 24 July 2007

Mass Hysteria - Hail Florida

As you have likely heard, there is a new Catholic town in Florida called Ave Maria (why not English: Hail Mary? Well, the nearest town is Naples. La de daa! They're just all class in Florida I tells ya!).

The founder of Mass-central (our crucifix is bigger than yours) is also the founder of Domino's Pizza, Thomas Monaghan (the bastard - how many Hail Mary's has he had to say for THAT cause of mass-(pardon the pun) casualties!? Thou shalt not kill, no, not even slowly via encouragement of over-consumption of excessive amounts of saturated fat. And surely Beelzebub had something to do with those death-by-chocolate brownies!).

In 2005, Monaghan told a Catholic group that Ave Maria's stores wouldn't carry contraceptives or pornography, and cable TV would have no adult channels. But he backed off when critics called it un-American and the American Civil Liberties Union of Florida threatened to sue.

Apparently violence on cable TV was fine. You may murder (ie. sell artery-hardening pizzas) but you cannot be encouraged to have sex or even see the naked splendour of God's creations. However, you are allowed to partake of the act of 'knowing' someone, as long as you suffer God's punishment for such: children.

Now there is to be: no adult stores or topless clubs. The developers say cable TV won't be restricted and they'll merely suggest that merchants not sell contraceptives or porn.

In addition: The Catholic university bans the sale of condoms and warns that premarital sex can be grounds for expulsion.

Golly. That could reduce the uni's income somewhat...

On ABC news today I heard one devout Catholic who was moving to Ave Maria announce that if - heaven forbid! - a gay couple or a person covered in tattoos moved-in next door, he would move... again. The man sighed in frustration as he explained this was the reason he was moving this time.

Let us pray that the town is surrounded by an alligator-infested moat and large fuck-off gates... which can be locked from the outside.